The term Faux Family will have many different meanings.  Many use the term to describe those they have a close relationship with outside of their actual family. This could be those they are in relationship with at work, on sports teams, theater companies and so forth. Others will discuss Faux families in terms of certain behaviors that their family may exhibit. These are behaviors that make the person appear phony, fake, or faux, and that is what we will be discussing here today.  

There are many behaviors that I would place in the faux family category. Here are 3 behaviors you could be exhibiting, that highlights some of your faux family moments.

1. Thinking people should Always speak to you first.
2. Acting solely for the sake of praise.
3. Using distance as an excuse to disengage in your role.

These are the few we will discuss here today.

Thinking people should always speak to you first

For many cultures it is customary that when you walk into a room where others are already occupying the space, you speak! Apparently this is not the case with particular family members. Some members care not about being family or abiding with this quite customary rule. Instead they are usually tardy to the party, walks through their family member’s house to take a seat quietly, ready and waiting for people to speak to them first. They will literally come into a space, look around, not speak, and wait to be acknowledge. And it is not like they don’t know the code; they were raised just as you were so quit playing “cousin”.

Here comes the moment where you are in line with them getting a plate at this family event, and you speak. Now this member is like “Oh, I was waiting for you to say something!” with fervor.  In my experience, it is usually a family member that is a little older, but still not an elder (and even the elders walk into an occupied space and speak). Not only is it not a good example from someone who is older, but it also sends a faux message of superiority.  You don’t need to wait for me to speak; if anything be that older example and come to me and initiate that hello, since you were the one to walk into the living room that I have been in for 2 hours already. Faux real though?!

Even if, and I dare to say especially if, you aren’t the older member in this case, when you come into a space with your family, you should speak.  It should not be a competition of seeing if they speak first. We probably did not even notice you because we have all already been here chopping it up, so when you come in, announce yourself with a simple “hello”; Especially when you waltz in very late, and everyone else has been here on time. Another way of confirming that faux superior stance. We see you; and it isn’t cute.

Acting solely for the sake of praise.

The second faux family act today is performing actions solely for the sake of praise.
In this example the acts are performed with the pretense of being the hero; the one to always save the day. This person is really seeking acknowledgement and therefore goes out of their way to do very nice things that were not asked of them.  Now, people should always be appreciative of anything that someone does for them out of the kindness of their heart. But then these people should not be made to feel bad because the outcome of all of the “acts of kindness” was not as the giver expected. If your attitude is now determined by a response to your act, then how kind was it?

Many times people are unaware of the steps this person has taken to participate in the event. They start to talk about all of the money they have spent; money that most people did not know about because no one asked them to. This person would not ask for funds or assistance, but would suddenly begin to complain because the event is not going as planned. Mind you, when I say planned, it is a plan they have come up with in their own mind. The rest of the family members had only one agenda; to be with family, period.

This member will decorate and take lots of pictures for social media, so as to show others what they’ve done.  They will then say on social media how what they did was overlooked, but that it is OK because it was all out of the kindness of their heart. But it it were, it is not to be thrown up in the face of your family when you’re upset. Especially when no one knew of your plans to be extra, or asked for it.  Please, do not do that.

For the most part when families are getting together they are doing so because they want to be around each other. They do not need their interactions to be scheduled and monitored, or even decorated. They want to sit, laugh, eat, catch up, and generally they want it to be off schedule.  Everyone has surely made some sort of sacrifice to be there, and if it’s a sacrifice you feel you will need to come and complain about, then please submit your RSVP as no. It is the most effective choice for your own mental health.

But remember, that attitude could leave you very lonely, because doing things for a reaction or expectation will leave you disappointed more often than not.  We can barely completely plan our own lives and emotional reactions, much less those of others. So if you will have a family event and decide to go above and beyond without consulting anyone else, please don’t be salty at the end of the event and start talking about all you have spent to be there. It is in bad taste and is in line with faux behaviors.

Now, when good deeds are being performed, the family is curious as to why. Is it because you want to? Because you love and choose to us? Or because you want someone to praise you? What happens if all you happen to get is a “thank you”?  What happens if the games you planned never get played because people were more content catching up with each other? Will you attempt to make people feel bad and discuss threats of how you will never go out of your way again?

The day I decided to do something that I may not be able to afford or is a lot of extra energy, trust that it is because it is something I want to do. I am going to feel good about my act regardless. If something is not received well, I may be hurt or feel some type of way, but a healthy individual understands that this should not be a reason to begin to threaten never to do anything for family since, this time, I did not get the lift I expected to get out of my actions.

Using distance as an excuse to disengage in your role

The last part of faux family behaviors for today is one that is personal to me. I realized that I have an inability to go home and “stay out of it” just because I am not there all of the time.

What I mean is that since I no longer live at “home” with my family, namely nieces and nephew, when I do go home to visit, I still fall right in line with my responsibilities as an aunt. Not just aunt, but daughter, sister, and so forth. I focus on the little ones here because I know that many feel they have no place to come in and start disciplining or commenting on the things you learn are happening in your absence.

Just as my care and love for them does not end because I now live thousands of miles away, nor does my obligation to do my part in guiding them. I will not sit back and refrain from input simply because I am not there every day. I won’t watch them doing something wrong or dangerous and think I have no place to protect them in the way that is necessary, including time out or lecture.

I am auntie no matter where I live or how often you see me. I will not be disrespected because I do not live in Florida and see them daily.  I will not neglect my responsibility to be a role model and leader, which means I cannot perform like a substitute in their presence. I am the real thing so when I say “sit, no, maybe, go to bed, time out, put it back” and the list goes on – this is not to be ignored because “I don’t live there”.

If i see my niece poke my other niece in the eye, I am not going to take note and call her mother. I am going to handle it.  If I see my niece is sleepy, I am going to walk around with her to put her to sleep, give her a bottle, change the diaper and so forth. I am not there to look at them, hold them, and give them back. I am there to assume the position. The duties of loving, caring, teaching, providing, and yes even disciplining do not cease with distance. They may be altered, but they are still necessary!

What are some faux family problems you have come across.  Let me know below!