“If my wife does not want me communicating with certain women, for whatever reason, I’ll respect her feelings and cut ties asap”. This is a paraphrased excerpt of a post I saw on Instagram.  The original post goes on to say that it is just out of respect. “If your spouse is uncomfortable with someone for ANY REASON, that person should now be automatically cut off.

He does go on to say that if his wife expresses good reason why that person is not good for their relationship, he will respect that. While this is a good thing, he steps on the “for whatever reason” statement, on the post.  

There were a number of people, mainly women, who agreed with it. As I stated, I think that the way he would like to respect his wife is exemplary. But there were some that found issue with the statement; and those arguments were some I could also agree to as well.  

I wanted to comment on the post and in fact I did, but then ran out of word count while feeling like I was only midway through my thought. So I decided to bring my tendency to be long winded or, as I’d like to re-frame – thorough, here.

What one person in objection stated was (paraphrasing) “a husband is called to lead and therefore should be asking questions before deciding on an appropriate action…it is unwise to not attempt to understand why his wife feels uncomfortable and to address the underlying issues”, if there should be any, of course.

I felt as though he was stating that with a good and legitimate reason the husband should comply.  While this statement does question “who decides the reason that will be good enough to comply with the request?”, I do see validity in wanting to further investigate and understand the reasons why.

The process for going about this would be situational, uniquely based on the couple in question; but there are some things to think about if this issue were to ever present itself to you.

There were so many people seemingly against the person commenting that a reason would be needed. But he stood his ground, as he should have, since it was just as solid a stance as the one in which the husband should comply; without questioning, I might add. There are some cases in which compliance should come without question. But there are others in which there certainly should be questions. In the cases that warrants questions, I think both parties should have questions.

I began to state something along the lines of “I appreciated this thread of comments and it seems everyone is right, lol. While it is a great sign of respect and assures the priority is to make his wife is comfortable with his friendships, we want to be careful with enabling the need for conditions to be met just for her to be OK. This act without questioning could be disallowing the possibility for those underlying issues to be address.

Those underlying issues he (lets call him the DA, for Devil’s Advocate) spoke of were insecurity or lack of faith in her partners ability to remain faithful, and etc.  In your response to DA (stated to the OP, Original poster) when you said “ a woman who loves you isn’t going to just walk around objecting to you being around other women [unless there are other issues]”, confirms that these other issues he speaks of addressing, are valid. We DO have to be aware of what those other underlying issues are.

Not that it should be a condition of respecting her wishes. But it is for the benefit of her as well to be able to address this discomfort (provided it isn’t one of those cases that go without question; and I think we can guess what some of those might be; again, situational).  If it isn’t, then perhaps having the discussion about it is not only wise, but beneficial to the growth and healing of your spouse.

One cannot build defenses and learn how to control and alter unhealthy behavior if they are shielded from doing so.  I can’t build confidence if I continue to avoid situations that test me in that way.

But change does not happen overnight, right. It might be a challenge just for your spouse to think their wish for you to cease communication with someone else actually SHOULD be questioned. They may have no desire to even consider that their feelings could be altered with some introspection.

Am I supposed to cease communication with this person in the meantime?

That was one of the questions asked on the post.  I am not sure what DA said to that, if anything. I do think that it is worth exploring those grounds with your spouse. It is valid to be uncomfortable or not feel right about a person; but you should be able to have a conversation about importance of exploring that.

Not only that, but also explain why that particular friendships is one you might want to cultivate. There is nothing wrong with wanting or needing certain people in your social/networking circle. But being cut off from people because your spouse hasn’t dealt with aspects of their own life, is not healthy. Hopefully no one is putting their partner through that with no reason, but for some, they may not be aware.

When it is clear that there is no danger to the marriage, why would we fail to address the need for severance of relationships with certain people?

You know them, have heard of them, or have been them. That person who was going through a major divorce and life transition.  There were people that they probably could have called on. Some who would have been there, still, and some would not. But they did not even feel as though they could reach out; So they didn’t.

They don’t even quite remember when it started. That moment when they started seeing their friends and nurturing work relationships less and less, because little nuances began to sneak into the relationship. There began a pattern of being guarded because “suddenly”, they have this unwritten rule on the type of friends they are able to have that they must follow.

There are plenty of natural reasons for this, obviously. In regards to this topic, there are cases when someone began controlling the lives of their spouse for the sake of their comfort and security.

Even though their spouse obliged time and again, they still would not address the need for their partner to distance themselves from certain people. Despite proving to be committed, they have limited their social connections/support, which has adverse effects on the individual and consequently, the relationship.

Still ending up with the very thing you were trying to avoid!

This is how a lot of these stories began; With someone saying simply because I said so, you should not be around them. A mature spouse will want to have that conversation with you about the significance and importance for both of you to have a social life outside of one another. A healthy individual will also want to make sure they are addressing skewed ideals and expectations.  

There absolutely WILL and SHOULD be people in which a tight, thick, and high barrier should be placed between them and your marriage. But what I felt the person in the post was objecting to was that it shouldn’t be for “whatever reason”. Many of the “whatever reasons” people will have will be rooted in where their security or confidence lies.

We should eliminate the need to control our partner’s relationships solely as the lifeline for our healing.  If these things are not addressed, a person would always be needing their spouse to do something for them in order to get that sense of release, comfort or satisfaction. In order to feel loved or even secure, your partner must not interact with this person who hasn’t done or even presented any indication they would do something that would create a threat.

There are real threats out there to marriages, but some people just want to be sure they aren’t alienating people simply because there is a possibility that their spouse may think “they are too cute” or some other silly reason (and DON’T FRONT LIKE THIS ISN’T REAL, please)…but they don’t want to give their spouse that reason, so they say “It’s just something about them”.

We cannot pretend like this is not just as real as the legitimate concerns people will have and let’s face it, I would not want to be that intimidated by another person.

“But I have intuitions or bad feelings about this person, and I am usually right about them”.

I hear that a lot and actually believe this to be true for many, including myself. But if I can remember even a few times I was a little off about my judgment of someone, then that is enough for me to know a situation deserves proper assessment before making final decisions.

If I were to feel uncomfortable about a particular person my spouse was friends with, I do ask myself why. Have I heard or seen something? What do I feel this person triggered in me? Do I  feel a sense of insecurity or jealousy in some arena (and you don’t have to admit this to others, but please be honest with yourself. It’s crucial, and this is all normal)?  

You can still heal and work on these things without necessarily telling anyone that this is what is making your uncomfortable, but in terms of a healthy marriage, you should be able to honestly inform your spouse of these things. Is there some concern about your partners ability to stay faithful and where does it stem from?

You may share these reasons or have others, but once you uncover them, challenge them.

To piggyback on moments when my judgment was not always correct, I know that I too have been wrongfully judged. This was happening to me from “adults” whom you’d think would be able to make their own decisions about others. Instead they were making decisions based on the assumptions of others.

They may have had their reasons; but when you don’t know anything about a person, you are basing your like or dislike on distant perception. Perception is shaped largely by experiences, and they do not transfer and/or hold true from person to person. Refusing to challenge that leaves opportunity to miss out on so much.

You shouldn’t be afraid to ask yourself, what proof do I have?  What reasons can I provide that says perhaps there is NO cause to be concerned? Challenge yourself to understand that you won’t get closer to being secure ONLY by prohibiting your spouse from certain people.  Furthermore, a great way to learn to trust someone, is to just trust them. To show confidence is to proceed confidently, through the fear.  Ask yourself, do I want to feel like I am intimidated by someone else? What does that say about me?

Perhaps it is not intimidation or insecurity or even the concern of your partners ability to be faithful. If not, it is still not in good practice to readily write people off without warrant. It has been a long time since I have been in the business of trying to prohibit activities from those I am in a relationship with.  There is only one way to make sure those in the relationship stay faithful and that is for them to take those actions, equally.

Without being open to looking at the emotions a person stirs up inside of you, you may not be able to address the biases or experiences that make you view this person differently than your spouse does. Now, someone your spouse may have seen as a good person; a source of social support, they have to dismiss for sentiments they do not share.  They must sacrifice their own sense of self and voice in the relationship, for the sake of your “security”.

This essentially says that your spouse doesn’t know how to discern when someone is being a threat to your relationship; so they must leave it up to you to make those determinations. Furthermore, if they do notice that this person is a threat, you feel they will not act accordingly to protect your marriage.

The day I come to my spouse to say I want them to stop being friends with someone, I would hope to have a good reason; A reason that I think they would be able to understand and respect. I would also want to be able to discuss the importance of this person or persons in their life.  It is a back and forth conversation (because we marry partners, not children). As much as I want to be comfortable and free in my relationship, I also want that for the person I am with.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG.

If at the end of the day I feel completely bad about this person and still can’t find anything that really seems legit, I DO think my spouse should show respect and sever that friendship. This post is never to negate the respect that should be shown for the partners we have chosen, and that includes their levels of discomfort.  But there are some discomforts we can grow from, and never having to address them does not allow for that.

So even though I may not have an actual reason, trust I will bring to the conversation all of my discomforting thoughts ABOUT THAT PERSON IN QUESTION (not someone she reminds me of although I know nothing about her; definitely explore that – GO, Be Dora!). What makes me say, They are a HARD NO.   But the exploration is there.  I will show that, although I cannot settle on an answer, I have given this thought.

Because it comes from somewhere, and a healthy relationship does not include friendship blocking for the sake of control; Nor as a band-aid to a wound that is not fully healed.  Keeping a person from certain people will not decrease the likelihood of infidelity. It also doesn’t cease the need to address your concerns. There should be a level of confidence that your spouse is tracking and mitigating, as well as putting an immediate stop to, anything that he/she recognizes as a threat. But everything YOU think is a threat may not be, and it is only fair to make sure we aren’t calling a firecracker a bomb!

Where do you stand on this? Do you think it should be a cutoff for ANY reason; or is it fair to at least begin the dialogue with your spouse on why, address underlying issues, and/or come up with certain agreements on what constitutes the cut off point for outsiders?   

I’d Love to know; Where does you power lie with this one?