Welcome back to the blog section. Today I wanted to bring you the video I recently uploaded where I BRIEFLY discussed one possible benefit of loss. Check out the video above or, you can read it below. If you have questions you would like me to address please, don’t hesitate. For more of my YouTube videos click here!
Today we’re talking about the benefit in the loss of something, or – someone; let’s get into it.
It’s hard losing things or more importantly, people.
We have a hard time getting over our attachments and that is the case for many reasons including guilt and grief. For many, loss triggers the feelings of failure or incompetence, even rejection.
But there is something to be remembered about loss. As a person of faith who has been working on the acts to produce the results I claim to desire, it’s helpful to understand that it, loss, is a key component of progress and manifestation.
See, we have to have room for what we seek to bring into our lives and, more often than not that means we have to let something…or someone…or a few someone’s go, to make space where it needs to be made to accommodate that which you have asked for.
You cant receive something new if you have your hands full with what no longer belongs to you. There is a limit to how much baggage you can take on the next leg of your journey.
Baggage can be anything
…including people who stress more than elevate – who expect you to be someone you are not – who will not let you step freely into the new you for whatever reason.
Maybe, they only want you around as a certain version of yourself and when you can no longer be there, they remove themselves. Please, understand this is part of your manifestation and do yourself the favor or letting them go.If someone says they dont want to deal with you – grant them their wish and make room for those who want ALL of you. Trust me child, they out there.
She didn’t know why it had to be this way.
she just knew that it was.
manifestations often behave this way,
proving no need for another, because…
Jess Mahogany
So yes, Mourn your loss. Place your memories in a safe place and be grateful for the lesson. Then look out for the blessing its absence is allowing.
If you have any questions or comments put them in the comment box below. Like, Share, Subscribe – and look for me on Social Media – It’s Jess Mahogany everywhere, except Twitter
Ever seen a dog in distress; perhaps caught up in something that is causing it pain? It’s a big dog, and it is growling the moment it sees you. It needs your help, but it also does not trust you, so it becomes more agitated the more abruptly you begin to walk up to it. Now, it begins to bark and tries to move, tries to get up and warn you to stay away, but this shifts the object that it is caught up in and causes more pain. This makes the dog more aggressive with it’s growling and barking, and you are now just seeing a big angry dog trying to get up and possibly attack. What do you do?
We see videos quite often demonstrating how everyday people tend to instinctively know what to do when helping a distressed animal, some of them even wild. These people are not animal rescuers or wranglers, or vets, or even employees of animal control. Just people who stopped, questioned, and proceeded with caution, often soliciting the help of others who may have been present.
When it comes to people exhibiting signs of trauma and sending out signals of needing help, the result is often not the same. Those who are trained know that many symptoms coincide with different conditions, so it is not wise to make a snap assessment with minimal information. Even to the professional, it is not always clear if a person is in crisis, or if they truly are just having a bad moment they believe they can take out on you. For either scenario, however, would it hurt to try having compassion in that moment considering that their behaviors could be the result of trauma followed by chronic unconscious reaffirming of their negative behaviors?
With trauma or adverse experiences, we can be left with multiple effects including anxiety, anger, resentfulness, unhappiness, and high irritability. It could show up in detachment and withdrawal from others, and fluctuating moods or behaviors. It could even manifest in actions that seem positive due to their output, but are the offspring of avoidance from having to deal with the things that need to be healed within. Those actions might be taking on too many projects or tasks, over-exercising, and constantly putting the needs of others before their own. They are often rewarded for their abilities, performance, work ethic and so forth, and are usually not recognized as candidates of potential risk.
Trauma has been stereotyped to present itself in a way that would be easily recognizable and something others are able to empathize with. Instead, just as we overlook the one with all of the accolades, so do we with those who seem irritable, angry, or attitudinal, which is the focus for this post. Due to the defiant way their trauma presents itself, they often create situations that are met with responses that could invite more trauma. This is both an act of protection as well as a way to receive what they have been made to believe they deserve; the self-fulfilling prophecy. It goes like this:
Person: been neglected consistently since childhood.
Message to self: I am not worthy of love
Person’s actions: pushes people away and/or refuses to let anyone close, preventing them from ever actually having to leave on their own. The person makes sure that others stay at a certain distance or they will create situations to cause a rift. These can be conscious or unconscious actions.
Result: the person does not form or maintain relationships so that they don’t have to risk being neglected by them and/or the theory of being unloved is confirmed.
It can also look like: (this list is NOT exhaustive)
Disrespect to parental figures/elders, as well as over-compliance to these same figures.
Substance abuse/dependence
Engaging in risky behaviors/criminal activity
Having numerous sexual partners
Consistent difficulty in relationships
Low self-esteem/negative self-image
Avoidance of others
Depressed mood or, chronically elevated mood
Chronic pain
Those with a history of adverse experiences, especially those beginning in early childhood, who express their trauma in ways that are not socially acceptable, are further castigated. This reprimand reinforces the trauma but does nothing to help them learn to address it properly. Instead, they are further reminded that they are ultimately worthless.
What usually happens is people will respond to the hurt person with the same energy received from them, even if they know better communication styles. They take what the hurt person has done or said personally and begin to speak the language of the broken. Instead of teaching them a new language, they shut down the people who are at the neophyte level of learning how to expel the trauma, and when they vent in the only way they know how, the in-kind response continues the cycle; feeding right into the tainted mindset of the hurt individual who is subconsciously seeking scenarios that validate how much no one sees, understands, or cares enough for them to ever love their ugly.
One of the more positive ways to be the catalyst for change is to teach, rather than criticize. As stated in this blog post, Fool me once, there is no reason that a person is able to mistreat you continually on the basis that they have experienced substantial trauma. If they are not able to heal without inflicting trauma upon you, they should not be able to pollute your space.
With that being said, as a person with this new information, perhaps it would behoove you to pause when you experience some of the more frowned upon behaviors in an individual. Rather than moving to scold them or dismiss them, try pointing out the behavior and addressing it from a place of love and concern.
The demonstration of what positive stress responses look like coupled with you letting them know that you want to understand more of their story, can of itself be a powerful weapon to enhance the healing process for a person. Often times, they have not been modeled positive expressions of pain, anxiety, fear, or hurt. It is not uncommon for there to be a need to teach this and leading by example is an excellent passive technique.
Next time you see someone react in this way, try a different approach. Try one of compassion and curiosity. With boundaries in place, give them the space and opportunity for change. Understand that this person is still learning a new language and still might get things twisted at times, but shutting them out will not advance their learning.
No, it is not the job of the healed to ALWAYS pause for abuse from others who are still broken. But if you are here, chances are at your core you know you have the ability to birth life into everything, even into she who is already alive.
Question:
Ever seen a girl in distress; perhaps caught up in something that is causing her pain? She’s so far from/almost is/is a big girl, and she is growling the moment she sees you. She could use some help, but she does not trust anyone, so she becomes more agitated the more aggressively you try to tell her how to deal with her pain. Now, she begins to yell, tries to move, tries to get up and warn you to stay away, but even this re-triggers the emotions that she is caught up in and it causes more pain. This makes her look more aggressive when she’s growling and barking, and now all you see is an angry woman disrespecting you. What do you do?
You recognize the growl of fear; the reason she looks as if she wants to bite your head off. You see what even she can’t because she has been trapped out in the open for so long, unable to see beyond the constant dismissal of her dismay. No, you will not allow her to bite you because of her fear, but you also will not throw rocks at her, right? You approach her slowly, speak gently, put a hand out, gesture permission, and allow her to eventually come to the understanding that not everyone is out to hurt her.
I recently wrote a poem that reflects on the struggles that women, namely black women and girls, face when dealing with their adverse experiences (see it here on my IGTV – follow for your MyMahogany Minutes!). The poem focuses on black women specifically, but negative experiences inform the actions of us all in some way. Check it out and leave your comments on it and on the post below.
Has this changed your views in some ways? Have you seen any of these signs of trauma in someone you know? Let’s talk about it. SUBSCRIBE!
“They hate your brilliance, they hate your beauty, they hate us- but we not gon’ hate ourselves.”- Quote from When They See Us
I’m watching this long awaited show, When They See Us, directed by the masterful and deliberate Ava DuVernay. I am watching like I watch many shows highlighting racism in the world we live in. The racist world that many love to claim no longer exists, you know, since the Obama’s and all. I am saddened, angered, empowered, and even more so now, I am questioning.
I am questioning the character of some white people. Questioning just how much some of them really regard me as human no matter how nice they are to me upon meeting. Questioning how I am supposed to view them when they, who run everything due to financial powers, allow us to keep seeing shows and movies like this year after year, decade after decade, displaying all of the hate, anger, and oppression they have placed upon us. Do you? question it?
Ava DuVernay and The Central Park Five: Raymond Santana, Kevin Richardson, Korey Wise, Antron McCray, and Yusef Salaam
Disclaimer:
When I speak, I like to think I am talking to those with a certain level of understanding. I am not trying to explain this to a five year old or anyone with that limited of ability to comprehend the ways of the world. Therefore, I like to assume I am reaching those who already know that this does not apply to ALL white people.
I hate that I even have to say things like that, but I do because some people like to try to focus on that when it should be understood that most subjects do not apply to all people. It takes the focus and blame off of THAT person, as well as silence those trying to shine light on the issues they are experiencing.
Furthermore, just because it doesn’t apply to all, does not mean we can’t account for the rest. Here, we are talking about a majority and the majority of white people, are broken; At least according to an article I read earlier today by Katherine Fugate titled, White People are Broken. See it here
She wrote so well regarding the role that white people play in oppression and why they cannot ever understand the plight of the black person, that I raved about it. She stated that there has been too many incidents in which white people put themselves before the dangerous, literally life threatening struggles that black people face in the world. What she also said that I am now strongly considering while watching this show, is that white people are broken. They are broken, and because of that, they can be fixed. I would also like to note that this author, is white.
With all that I have to say about this show and the subject of racism in general, today I want to focus on ONE question; how? How are white people broken? This is not to say they aren’t, but for those who say they are, I would like to know your reasons on why or how? What happened?
When They See Us
This show is the most recent in a slew of programs that those in “power” had to have allowed to be shown. Some call it progress, but I call it a form of damage control. The more damage you can place upon a group of people, the more you can control them. Then they re-traumatize us with this fetish they enjoy of seeing the brutality they impose upon us played out as reminders of their role in this world, and of ours. I will explain more on this later in the series of discussions on race relations, but this show reminds me of their primary role in our damage.
No one denies the racism of the world when they show up to watch history repeat itself right in their living rooms. Still, people pronounce that these things we film, based on true stories and played by willing white people, are not true. They proclaim racism either does not exist, or that black people somehow force white people to be brutal to black people, children included, through behaviors that are without merit and also exhibited by other races. Still, the examples of brutality are far more present with the black race than any other.
History is Now
This show reminds me of the Emmett Till story that Katherine brought up in her article. It reminds me of the countless black people, primarily males, falsely imprisoned for crimes ranging from trivial to receiving the death penalty, as in the case of George Stinney, another 14 year old child executed for an “unfair” trial in 1944, but whose judgment was graciously vacated in 2014. Seventy years later when, even if they hadn’t killed him, he would have died in prison; but, how sweet of them, right?
It is tough, being a person who knows better than to think that all white people are like this, but also battling with the ease of ability many of them, also primarily male, have with taking their hate out on kids. Aside from being disheartening, it is still a testament of character and is all the reason we need to be distrustful. However people still seem to think that we must always forgive and regard them with unquestioning trust.
But I will not.
No, I Got Questions
If there isn’t anything else I can do in this world, I can speak. I can ask questions. I can challenge you; I can learn. I can also give them an opportunity to change the dominant narrative in my mind. If what Katherine said is true, that white people are broken, then I have no issues with allowing them to tell me what is wrong and allow for an opportunity to be fixed; to be healed.
But I must first know, how are they broken? If Katherine or anyone else can answer this I would greatly appreciate the feedback. In this short post alone I have named several incidences, many found in one show that can outline how black people have been broken. I can pull up any history book, movie, heck there are even cartoons out there that gives nod to the damage inflicted upon black people physically and especially mentally that would lead them to be broken.
But what are those examples for white people? Who broke them? As much as there is an outcry of mental health issues when white people commit mass murders; As much as there is outcry on the absence of fathers in the homes of the angry white people who are somehow able to have enough privacy under roofs they pay no mortgage on to build bombs; As much as we are able to make movies on the thug mentality that is supposedly predisposed in black people, or movies that seem to remind black people of their place in society, why are there no shows like this that illustrate how white people initially became damaged or “broken”?
I would think that those who control the majority power in the world and therefore much of what we are able to see, including the lies that have been told on far too many innocent people for far too long, would be able to show how they have been damaged?
The damage that I can think of is self imposed. I imagine that as a human being you cannot forego the effects of the trauma one imposes on another. I cannot kill you and have no conscience about it, unless I truly have no conscience. So if I do, yes, my actions will haunt me; very likely damage me. And if a white person can claim to be broken by generational damage, I would have to know what one thinks of those that the damage is being done to?
Katherine does mention that perhaps generational pain has been passed down to them from their ancestors, but who started that? If currently they are broken as a result of their ancestors actions, what were their ancestors – broken too? And if so, how?
Who dropped them, threw them, raped them, fed their babies to gators, chained them together, stole their kids, burned them alive, took their homes, took their names, took their identity, branded them, invaded their nations, took their language, threw them over ships, sewed their mouths together, beat them, imprisoned them without even caring that the real person they are looking for is still out there…. Who?
The Central Park Five
How many times were they found guilty even though the Judge and jury knew they weren’t? How many times have they talked about it after the fact, as with Trayvon Martin, saying they as a juror knew they should have convicted the suspect? How many times have they sat before a judge that said they were guilty before they even stepped foot in the courtroom. How many times have they dealt with things even as seemingly minor as microaggressions? How did they feel when there was a law passed saying they could wear their hair the way it naturally grows out of your head? Oh wait, it didn’t happen. And for the things that did happen to some, the scale will never be balanced. Not even with years of change or, equality at last.
So, if white people broken, when did that start? Was it before they invaded peoples land, brutalized them for no reason whatsoever, claimed things that were not theirs and stripped them of their identity? Was it before they fabricated weapons for war but then used them to take what was never theirs from people absolutely minding their own business over here? I’m just saying, for those who wrote the history books, these are the stories they told. Even in present day they are trying to change the history from calling us slaves to “workers who were mostly happy”; still flexing their power to dictate the narrative and yet, still can’t seem to show the origination of this brokenness that plagues them.
I can see clearly how it has been inflicted on others, but I need more information on who broke them. To some it could seem like another excuse to be less than human, same as they do when they yell mental health for incidences other races can’t yell mental health for, despite many of the diagnosis provided coming from the experimentation of the black race. We already knew that the white kid was going to be affected by the lack of a father in the home when it became the goal to remove the black man from black families. We see that affect all the time. The difference is, black people still don’t get to use that same excuse, no matter how valid. Black people cant commit mass murder and be taken in alive time, and time, and time, and time again; can they?
We don’t get those same liberties despite often living in worse conditions. We are scared to have autistic kids despite not being able to control that, because we know that those suppose to protect them are are scarce. We know that even the actions of those in our community’s mentally ill population will be judged first by the color of their skin without regard for anything else that could be going on with them. So whatever accounts anyone has on why white people are broken and when that began for them, I am all ears?
There are Answers
As Fugate mentioned, Black people have answers as to whether or not there is racism, oppression, or resistance in this world, and different steps that can be taken to change it. Part of it, as the author’s friend mentioned, could simply be being a witness. I would like to add, be a witness willing to document and stand up for the injustices you see. The other part is to be able to face your actions head on and then maybe this brokenness that is spoken of can be healed.
But healing starts with you. For anyone, no matter who inflicts the pain, the responsibility of healing is solely yours. It can start with simple actions such as writing articles just as the one she did highlighting the problems. Despite me having questions, I think Fugate’s words should be shared a million times over. But in saying that, know that growth doesn’t come without challenge(s). So if being fixed is the goal, then we need to know what needs to be repaired. So again, how did they become broken?
If you haven’t already be sure to check out When They See Us on Netflix, and also check out part 1 of the interview I held discussing POC and the resistance that we face in America, here. I know these are touchy subjects, but that can’t change if we are afraid to address them.
You don’t fight racism with racism, the best way to fight racism is with Solidarity! get your Blackprint Tee from https://blackprintcollection.com/
Do you have any other solutions, ideas, or feedback? Let me know below. And as always, let’s Power UP!
I think that we can all safely say yes to this question. No matter if you believe racism exists or not, or if people of color (POC), and primarily black people are just lazy; wherever the truth may lie, there is still an extra layer of resistance we face before we can even speak on what equity, not equality, should look like.
I spoke candidly with Rap Artist and intellect MJ AKA Michael Jaytona, AKA Spook. An influential mention in his hometown, he brings his breadth of knowledge to the discussion on the resistance POC face in society.
Sit with us for this grassroots discussion and feel free to chime in. Please understand this is a safe space for sharing views, growing through knowledge, uplifting, and always POWERING UP! I have learned and had a change in some views through this discussion, and I only hope to continue doing so through this series.
