Category Archives: Life (styles)

Fool Me Once

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This little piggy kissed someone else in my face, 

This little piggy stayed gone,

This little piggy said they slept in their car all night,

In the middle of a summer storm

And this little piggy cried alll the wayyy… back to them.

Why? This thing called forgiveness, I guess. But there was one thing wrong. I thought that meant, forget…

Someone once asked me, and I am paraphrasing, “do you like to remember the bad things?”  My response was, “yes, sometimes”. The reason for that was simple, and the importance of doing so was something that very person reminded me of just days after asking me that question. 

Fool Me Once

You have likely heard of the old Italian adage, “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.”  It means that if you wrong me once, then shame on you for tricking me. I must now be wary of your ability to do it again, and if you do, then that shame is my fault. Because I was not choosing to be mindful of your trickery, you were able to repeat your offense. 

It is due to this proverb that we need to remind ourselves of the “bad things”.  Whether or not these things are intrinsically bad, their negative effects are.

I learned that those were things I need to be protected from.  I needed to remember the negative qualities of a person so that I could learn how to navigate them or avoid them altogether.  It is very easy to romanticize a situation; hype up the positives out of some belief in the nobleness of focusing only on the better parts of a person. But doing so can place us at risk of being unable to accurately assess the fit of the person for us. It also hinders the ability to monitor progress when one claims to be making strides to improve certain behaviors. What are we monitoring if we are denying there are issues to begin with?

Hold Grudges! Who, Me?

I used to say I did not hold grudges but realized one day that it was a lie. I did this by way of letting some people’s actions dictate how I treated others in similar situations. I acknowledged the error in doing this, and in my attempt to correct that error, I told myself that forgiveness meant trying to wash away what people had done to hurt me.  I was like Oprah, but with new slates; Everybody got one.

I would say to forgive meant I needed to put all of that stuff behind me.  In a way yes, if you choose to forgive you must not hold the weight of faults over the relationship forever; If that’s the case then why forgive? But, to forgive does not mean to forget, and I do believe you owe it to yourself to remember the ability a person has to be a detriment to you in some way, and act accordingly.  

Act Accordingly

By act accordingly, I mean, assess the level of hurt inflicted and use sound logic to determine the next step for that individual based on your needs. If you find that this is simply an issue that is not going to change, you now get to decide if the constant discord in this area is causing enough dissatisfaction to end the relationship. 

Maybe you decide that this is something that can be adjusted with practice with that individual, and you can safely monitor progress towards better behaviors.  Perhaps you decide that as much as you detest the behavior, even without a change it is not a reason for you to let go of the said relationship. Then, maybe this level of discord fits with the plan of your life and you could move forward with a focus on coping mechanisms for yourself. 

YOU, then, must decide how to make it more palatable for you. You can still work on supporting the alteration of that person’s behavior if you choose, but understand that at some point you have made the decision to choose a quality that may be one of their “unchanging” traits. In knowing that, you cannot keep screaming dissatisfaction or hurt for a choice you are making. You ALWAYS have the choice to leave. 

There is protection in learning what is harmful to your mind, body, and soul.  All of them matter.

But, What if…

What if they really are trying?  What if this is the time they actually get it right?
To that I say, you likely have a sense of when a person is not honoring their words and cannot commit to your well-being as they promise.  In most situations, you know when a person is not capable of being respectful to you no matter how much they make you smile. If you truly believe the good outweighs the effects of the pain they put you through, or that this time will be the last time, then, of course, stay. You have chosen your type of drama; the 20 percent we ALL have to decide to live with. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong (unless of course we are speaking of ANY abuse and if so, please refer to the hotline below).  

If you like yelling and screaming at people week after week and this is the ‘good life’ for you, live it. But for those of you that are ready to be honest about what you want and deserve,  then hear this – remember the bad in even those who mean the world to you. Don’t focus only on the “what if’s” in a person when they keep showing you “what is”. Maya Angelou already said it, “when a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Remember how, although they took great care of you, they almost caused you to lose all you’ve worked so hard for.  Remember, how although they made you grin from ear to ear, they also cheated several times. Remember, that although you all began a family together, they were physically abusive every time they were upset. Remember that although their apology seemed sincere, your lesson now is when to respect yourself enough to know that you are worth more than being their experiment on seeing if the lesson has been learned this time. You already know what they had the chance to show and could not produce. 

Fooled Me Twice

In the beginning, I said I was having this discussion right before I was fooled twice.  That little piggy disappeared for the second time. This was definitely a “shame on me moment” because at that moment I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong, rather than paying attention to the character traits of this person when they were first revealed. This was something THEY did, even after the effects of this behavior was disclosed to them. 

In the act of me continuing to engage, I relayed the message that on some level, I have decided that that behavior was OK. If I continued to stick around because “I want to see the good in them”, I can’t keep iterating how this person is fooling me. I now know who they are. I am choosing to look the other way at the expense of my own feelings, needs, desires. 

It’s not wise to expect people to learn without communication and trial, but it is up to you to decide how many lessons you provide before you know if they are actually trying, or able, to comprehend.  In my opinion, this number is dependent on a few things including the person, the type of relationship, and what we might know about the person at a given time (i.e., are they in rehab or going through some traumatic experience). 

But the primary place your decisions lies is in where you value yourself. When you know this, you know that even a person’s trauma is not grounds to inflict and cause trauma within you. If they feel they cannot heal properly without finding an outlet that doesn’t include harming you, then they aren’t ready for you. 

So pay attention. Remember. And act accordingly.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Support, resources, and advice for your safety. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

*Please always keep in mind the term relationship is not assigned only to those romantic in nature; these could be familial or friendships as well.

White People are, Broken?

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“They hate your brilliance, they hate your beauty, they hate us- but we not gon’ hate ourselves.”- Quote from When They See Us

I’m watching this long awaited show, When They See Us, directed by the masterful and deliberate Ava DuVernay.  I am watching like I watch many shows highlighting racism in the world we live in. The racist world that many love to claim no longer exists, you know, since the Obama’s and all. I am saddened, angered, empowered, and even more so now, I am questioning.

I am questioning the character of some white people. Questioning just how much some of them really regard me as human no matter how nice they are to me upon meeting. Questioning how I am supposed to view them when they, who run everything due to financial powers, allow us to keep seeing shows and movies like this year after year, decade after decade, displaying all of the hate, anger, and oppression they have placed upon us. Do you? question it?

Ava DuVernay and The Central Park Five: Raymond Santana, Kevin Richardson, Korey Wise, Antron McCray, and Yusef Salaam

Disclaimer:

When I speak, I like to think I am talking to those with a certain level of understanding. I am not trying to explain this to a five year old or anyone with that limited of ability to comprehend the ways of the world. Therefore, I like to assume I am reaching those who already know that this does not apply to ALL white people.

I hate that I even have to say things like that, but I do because some people like to try to focus on that when it should be understood that most subjects do not apply to all people. It takes the focus and blame off of THAT person, as well as silence those trying to shine light on the issues they are experiencing.  

Furthermore, just because it doesn’t apply to all, does not mean we can’t account for the rest. Here, we are talking about a majority and the majority of white people, are broken; At least according to an article I read earlier today by Katherine Fugate titled, White People are Broken. See it here

She wrote so well regarding the role that white people play in oppression and why they cannot ever understand the plight of the black person, that I raved about it. She stated that there has been too many incidents in which white people put themselves before the dangerous, literally life threatening struggles that black people face in the world. What she also said that I am now strongly considering while watching this show, is that white people are broken. They are broken, and because of that, they can be fixed. I would also like to note that this author, is white.

With all that I have to say about this show and the subject of racism in general, today I want to focus on ONE question; how? How are white people broken?  This is not to say they aren’t, but for those who say they are, I would like to know your reasons on why or how?  What happened?

When They See Us

This show is the most recent in a slew of programs that those in “power” had to have allowed to be shown. Some call it progress, but I call it a form of damage control. The more damage you can place upon a group of people, the more you can control them. Then they re-traumatize us with this fetish they enjoy of seeing the brutality they impose upon us played out as reminders of their role in this world, and of ours. I will explain more on this later in the series of discussions on race relations, but this show reminds me of their primary role in our damage.

No one denies the racism of the world when they show up to watch history repeat itself right in their living rooms. Still, people pronounce that these things we film, based on true stories and played by willing white people, are not true. They proclaim racism either does not exist, or that black people somehow force white people to be brutal to black people, children included, through behaviors that are without merit and also exhibited by other races. Still, the examples of brutality are far more present with the black race than any other.

History is Now

This show reminds me of the Emmett Till story that Katherine brought up in her article. It reminds me of the countless black people, primarily males, falsely imprisoned for crimes ranging from trivial to receiving the death penalty, as in the case of George Stinney, another 14 year old child executed for an “unfair” trial in 1944, but whose judgment was graciously vacated in 2014. Seventy years later when, even if they hadn’t killed him, he would have died in prison; but, how sweet of them, right?

It is tough, being a person who knows better than to think that all white people are like this, but also battling with the ease of ability many of them, also primarily male, have with taking their hate out on kids. Aside from being disheartening, it is still a testament of character and is all the reason we need to be distrustful. However people still seem to think that we must always forgive and regard them with unquestioning trust.  

But I will not.

No, I Got Questions

If there isn’t anything else I can do in this world, I can speak. I can ask questions. I can challenge you; I can learn. I can also give them an opportunity to change the dominant narrative in my mind. If what Katherine said is true, that white people are broken, then I have no issues with allowing them to tell me what is wrong and allow for an opportunity to be fixed; to be healed.

But I must first know, how are they broken?  If Katherine or anyone else can answer this I would greatly appreciate the feedback.  In this short post alone I have named several incidences, many found in one show that can outline how black people have been broken. I can pull up any history book, movie, heck there are even cartoons out there that gives nod to the damage inflicted upon black people physically and especially mentally that would lead them to be broken.

But what are those examples for white people?  Who broke them? As much as there is an outcry of mental health issues when white people commit mass murders; As much as there is outcry on the absence of fathers in the homes of the angry white people who are somehow able to have enough privacy under roofs they pay no mortgage on to build bombs;  As much as we are able to make movies on the thug mentality that is supposedly predisposed in black people, or movies that seem to remind black people of their place in society, why are there no shows like this that illustrate how white people initially became damaged or “broken”?

I would think that those who control the majority power in the world and therefore much of what we are able to see, including the lies that have been told on far too many innocent people for far too long, would be able to show how they have been damaged?

The damage that I can think of is self imposed. I imagine that as a human being you cannot forego the effects of the trauma one imposes on another. I cannot kill you and have no conscience about it, unless I truly have no conscience. So if I do, yes, my actions will haunt me; very likely damage me. And if a white person can claim to be broken by generational damage, I would have to know what one thinks of those that the damage is being done to?

Katherine does mention that perhaps generational pain has been passed down to them from their ancestors, but who started that? If currently they are broken as a result of their ancestors actions, what were their ancestors – broken too? And if so, how?

Who dropped them, threw them, raped them, fed their babies to gators, chained them together, stole their kids, burned them alive, took their homes, took their names, took their identity, branded them, invaded their nations, took their language, threw them over ships, sewed their mouths together, beat them, imprisoned them without even caring that the real person they are looking for is still out there…. Who?

The Central Park Five

How many times were they found guilty even though the Judge and jury knew they weren’t? How many times have they talked about it after the fact, as with Trayvon Martin, saying they as a juror knew they should have convicted the suspect? How many times have they sat before a judge that said they were guilty before they even stepped foot in the courtroom. How many times have they dealt with things even as seemingly minor as microaggressions? How did they feel when there was a law passed saying they could wear their hair the way it naturally grows out of your head?  Oh wait, it didn’t happen. And for the things that did happen to some, the scale will never be balanced. Not even with years of change or, equality at last.

So, if white people broken, when did that start? Was it before they invaded peoples land, brutalized them for no reason whatsoever, claimed things that were not theirs and stripped them of their identity?  Was it before they fabricated weapons for war but then used them to take what was never theirs from people absolutely minding their own business over here? I’m just saying, for those who wrote the history books, these are the stories they told.  Even in present day they are trying to change the history from calling us slaves to “workers who were mostly happy”; still flexing their power to dictate the narrative and yet, still can’t seem to show the origination of this brokenness that plagues them.

I can see clearly how it has been inflicted on others, but I need more information on who broke them. To some it could seem like another excuse to be less than human, same as they do when they yell mental health for incidences other races can’t yell mental health for, despite many of the diagnosis provided coming from the experimentation of the black race.  We already knew that the white kid was going to be affected by the lack of a father in the home when it became the goal to remove the black man from black families. We see that affect all the time. The difference is, black people still don’t get to use that same excuse, no matter how valid. Black people cant commit mass murder and be taken in alive time, and time, and time, and time again; can they?

We don’t get those same liberties despite often living in worse conditions. We are scared to have autistic kids despite not being able to control that, because we know that those suppose to protect them are are scarce. We know that even the actions of those in our community’s mentally ill population will be judged first by the color of their skin without regard for anything else that could be going on with them.  So whatever accounts anyone has on why white people are broken and when that began for them, I am all ears?

There are Answers

As Fugate mentioned, Black people have answers as to whether or not there is racism, oppression, or resistance in this world, and different steps that can be taken to change it. Part of it, as the author’s friend mentioned, could simply be being a witness. I would like to add, be a witness willing to document and stand up for the injustices you see. The other part is to be able to face your actions head on and then maybe this brokenness that is spoken of can be healed.  

But healing starts with you. For anyone, no matter who inflicts the pain, the responsibility of healing is solely yours. It can start with simple actions such as writing articles just as the one she did highlighting the problems. Despite me having questions, I think Fugate’s words should be shared a million times over. But in saying that, know that growth doesn’t come without challenge(s).  So if being fixed is the goal, then we need to know what needs to be repaired. So again, how did they become broken?

If you haven’t already be sure to check out When They See Us on Netflix, and also check out part 1 of the interview I held discussing POC and the resistance that we face in America, here. I know these are touchy subjects, but that can’t change if we are afraid to address them.

You don’t fight racism with racism, the best way to fight racism is with Solidarity! get your Blackprint Tee from https://blackprintcollection.com/

Do you have any other solutions, ideas, or feedback? Let me know below. And as always, let’s Power UP!

She’s An Anthem

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Kap, Here’s an anthem you can stand for!  

I had the honor and Privilege to perform the National Anthem for my super awesome friend’s retirement ceremony, after 26 years of serving this country like a BOSS! She contributed so much in her position and is still planning to do more in this next phase of life. I wish you nothing but the best (goon).

The best part was the creative privilege I was given to do it as I best know how (cause ya girl cant sing…yet). I wanted to take that opportunity to honor her as well as those who I feel needed a moment of recognition (we only got this moment anyway!).  Black women, we know the weight we bear, whether others acknowledge it or not. And since only women can give birth, I think you know your role…

and now, your FEATURE PRESENTATION!

https://youtu.be/fG9WnpsOmI0

She’s An Anthem

Oh say can you see her

All black, all girl, more than magic – more like, creation

For by dawns early light she was already there – perched in permanence

Speaking light into existence, light don’t shine with her permittance, you see her

The black woman

Don’t she look like the universe? Be universe right hand, that’s universe twin – you see it

Her blackness.

It’s what so proudly you hailed as this nations scar. As less than human despite  being the genesis, you remember this – how in the beginning there was darkness, birthing a million nations she be the greatest mother,

The yes ma’am on your tongue, ye to which you say amen, she is not the bruise you choose to cover up.

Band-aid we need to level up, to heal, to be the mother of all there is, was, and will – be a reminder

That even,

At your twilight’s last gleaming she will still be there -being- everything, still being, the only example of infinite, it’s funny isn’t it. how within the very color you despise lies your entire existence.

Lies the truth you tried to smudge out but, black woman be sage

Ancestral clouds of heroics to the save, still Super, with that black power, power, out here

Caped in melanin

Swallowing the sun for energy

whose broad stripes shooting from her bright stars must have blindingly flagged your ignorance in ownership

In the universe and her gift.

Got you thinking something she birthed, is yours. Got you thinking those she sent to build it, is  yours

Got you forgetting the hero, is all black, more than magic, the keeper of creation.

Cradling galaxies and nursing the off-spring of its stars, it is our milky ways your child craves.

Black woman, been feeding you life, even

Through the perilous fight, she let you taste the universe and ain’t she good?

Black woman, be better than raisins in your potato salad but still,

O’er the ramparts you watched the black woman, become a raisin under her son, still grape enough to be fruitful, fruitful enough to raise the sun, bright as it were,

So gallantly streaming, but still trying to outshine the SOURCE!

And the rockets red glare, of another galactic creation, another big – banging- black girl whose world, you’ll rise and set to

The bombs bursting in air to remind you that she, is to be celebrated

As holiday – she reigns as royalty in your DNA, you exist as

proof through the night, she, is the night

The only one strong enough to hold all this chaos, Strong enough to let you forget her, to let you think she don’t matter, strong enough that even when she shatters her greatness is cloned.

Dispersed amongst the masses who thinks the flag is still there, upon her back, upon her throat

Tried to brand her cause they weren’t the brand of her.

Silence her so you wouldn’t know who to pray to.

Tried to claim her, last name her, blame, chain, and change her

But she will always be maiden.

Always be the first of the last you’ll answer to

oh say, can’t you see that black girl? She be the one you cant close your eyes to

Behind eyelids, looking a lot like peace, like, she who lay you down to sleep

She be your guide; your left, your right

She be colonel – she in command. She enter, you stand, it’s presidential

Era, Michelle and Barak

Black girl be this work rock – you see her

all star spangled across the banner of your origin,

with so much more magic yet to wave upon the born again, this girl, be born again.

the greatest replica o’er the land

From the roots of her toes, the trunks of her thighs, hair like the crowns of trees and the gravity it defies

Black girl be poetry, still, she rise

Out of the drudgery of your dismissal, turning corruption into life

God in human form, God be black as night – and no ways tired,

She’s negro spiritual – the hymn to sing your free

Breaking every chain she be all the strength you need

She be always surviving, keeper of the souls

Does what no man can, knows what no man knows, yes

SHE’S AN ANTHEM

The song of the lands she gave, this is hers

Home of the Black Woman – she, be the brave

J.Mahogany (c) 2019

Royal blue flowing dress: @Burlington’s
hair: @hairsofly

Thank you for stopping by to share this universal space. Til next time, leave a word!

Chat with me here anytime, but better access on FB and IG: Jess Mahogany

Live the Meme

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Memes are very popular in the world of social media. As a society we are inundated with memes regularly.  For most of us, just minimal time spent on any form of social media will present contact with a meme based on what/who we follow, like, etc.  I notice many of the memes on my threads are related to self improvement and growth. I want to make sure that it is understood; these memes are achievable.

This sounds like a duh statement, but in reality, not so much.  In reality, most people lack or feel they lack the life they seek from these memes. They post with the hope of it someday, somehow being their life. That “new year, new me” mentality, getting all hype on the idea that, this year, will be my year.  But while they post, and create threads that are basically online vision boards, they are forgetting that very statement. The memes are achievable.

Instead, many are looking at these memes as something like the lotto.  They may get lucky, and change may fall into their lap. Suddenly they are going to run into that better man or woman.  Suddenly they are going to lose that weight and start to eat better. Suddenly they will be a boss at managing their finances.  The mistake here is not actually looking at some of these memes as a goal, but rather a wish.

Here are some examples:

How to live this meme?  Well, I’d rather task you to think about some things. For the relationship you imagine it seems as if this is a mature person with stability, who does not have outside drama coming into the relationship, and places family first.  In order to have this, who must you be, and who must the person you are wanting to be with, be? You want this, but you still give time to your ex that is not necessary. You are scared to take time to yourself to get to know who you are and what actually drives and fills you up.  You haven’t felt as if you deserved better than the person you are messing with.

If you aren’t with someone, are you being selective enough?  You want this, but you haven’t gotten comfortable enough with yourself to be able to say no to the riff raff long enough. You want this, but during your down time you do not work on increasing your financial knowledge. You want this, but you don’t want to invest in time or money for education or even your own business plan.  You want this, but still try to keep up with the joneses. You want this, but allow this person you are with to remain jobless more than 6 months without even trying to go to a day labor place. You want this, but you don’t have a plan to get there; you choose the things that are not getting to your goal and you do know it.  If you do have a plan, you are not consistent in the steps to get there. If you feel you have the ability to prolong your own progress then you should at least find ways to cope with your discomfort while accepting that these desires are not priorities, because many of them are more in reach that you think.


How do you live this life? You can start by looking at why you could be happy with where you currently are in life. You have blessing right here in front of you, some you asked for just a few years ago. Remember, one day you couldn’t wait to be where you are right now. How are you living the life you thought about back then. If you want to be happy where you are in life then, you need to learn to be happy with where you are in life. Yep, I wrote that right.

If you want to be happy, take a good look at what is not making you happy and start the steps to change it, and while doing that, be happy about the things that are going right, right now. Be happy with the things that you DO HAVE.  The happier you are with them, the easier it will be to work on changing the things you do not like, and attract the things you do like. If you are waiting to obtain something else in order to be happy, then you will attract more of that…”waiting to obtain something” to make you happy.  

With you, as soon as you get what you thought was going to make you happy you will learn that there are downsides to whatever that thing is.  You will then want to focus on changing those downsides so much, thinking that improving those things will for sure bring the happiness. And you will then get what you have been working for, only for the cycle to continue.

NO! You must learn to be happy at every stage. This is not to say you shouldn’t feel disappointment or desire improvement; you can’t really help that. But those are simply signals to alert you to the need for changes or enhancements, and to the area of the body, mind, spirit that now needs tending to.  While that part is under construction, you must learn to celebrate where you are now, or you negatively affect the energy and esteem needed to push for better.

You want that skin to glow and to love your new place?  Do you know how much of that can change in a month if you decided you were worth it, and not waiting on some phenomenon to come along and make it happen?  You can start right now deciding to replace chips with fruit and soda or juice with more water. You can start with appreciating the place you have now, even if you are just renting a room.  

That room is a space to practice gratitude with, being thankful for having a place with a roof.  That is a place to learn to be happy so you can truly appreciate the house that is coming to you. That is a place to learn decorating skills by working to make the most of your space.  When you do upgrade, you are less likely to be out here trying to keep up with the joneses, still wishing to live like the meme you posted. You need to ask yourself, what thought about me do I need to change that will change my actions?   What do I need to change to increase the chance o having what I want and becoming who I want to be.

Because we know it can happen.  It’s so funny; we listen to stories of those that have done what we want to do and they started out just like ours. Some with more, or less, advantage. But they were in their car, living room, work elevator, midst of an argument, wherever, when they decided that they were the priority; and that by most means necessary, they were going to make it happen. They were going to make eating right the priority.  They will not post about those meal preppers that discuss how tired they were when they prepped, they will Be the person posting about how tired they were. They will not post someone’s weight loss success picture, 20 lbs later in 3 months, but it will be their picture they were posting.

And that meant that behind the scenes of the pictures they are posting, there was action. They gave up certain things you think you can’t give up. They sacrificed going out as much and made sure they paid themselves first in savings or investments before spending money elsewhere. They committed to something that was not a part of their regular routine. If you keep following that regular routine, you will get the same thing. So, one thing, Just one thing is all that you need ask of yourself. Commit to that and see how capable you are of living this meme.

Imaging living this meme and doing some of the things to help get you there. Like, imagine knowing that you were able to hold out for the right one.  Imagine, that you were so secure with your self worth you were more proud to say you were single than still messing with people who treated you wrong.  Imagine, being so secure in letting people go that did not reciprocate, and sending messages to the universe that you are not here to play and are ready for those that come with the real. Imagine, having spent time away from all relationships to heal, think about what you have to offer, and only entertain those that operated on that level.

Imagine being so healed from the negative that you knew how to handle your insecurities in a relationship and you were able to recognize the signs of toxicity early on. Imagine seeing those signs and being comfortable leaving at first sight instead of being scared of being alone again or having people question your decisions.   If you can imagine, you might then wonder what you have to do to get there. It’s as mentioned before, learn to love yourself enough to say no to what is not adding to your life. You have enough on your growth list to work on that you do not need to add convincing people of your value and need to treat you right.

Get comfortable with the fact that everyone who has something in common with you, who is cute, who winks at you, who is persistent in the dM’s and all of that, is not necessarily for you.  When you aren’t rushed or pressed for love, you are able to sit back and make more calculated decisions because you aren’t wide eyed and geeked for the first person who comes along spitting promises they won’t be able to keep longer than 3 months.

Imagine being loved the way you love and being able to recognize it and accept it. Imagine knowing that you were worth it and didn’t have to sabotage it for fear of it not working out.  Imagine knowing that you are worthy either way, so you can walk through that relationship in confidence; making decisions with logic over emotion. Imagine what that takes? I can tell you it’s more than a prayer and saying God did it. Faith without works is dead and God is within. So, what actions are you taking to be the person able to recognize proper love? And what are your barriers?

Are you still forgiving things that are a sign of abuse, or walking away understanding your worth? Are you still blaming yourself for everything and refusing to forgive yourself for mistakes? Conversely, are you unable to take responsibility for your actions and role in any situation?  Part of loving yourself is not only knowing your worth and value, but knowing that you are still susceptible to mistakes and are able to own up to them. Not doing this prevents growth, and isn’t that the whole message?


Live this meme by asking yourself, what do you need to balance making yourself the priority while cultivating the relationships you would like to have. There are so many barriers to becoming the person you want to be and achieving your goals that you may or may not be aware of.  Some of them are as simple as the time spent with friends or on netflix. Others may be time we are unnecessarily dedicating to work or social media. We throw ourselves into these other tasks as escapes or even rewards, while spitting the same gripe each and every year. In order for whatever it is you want to change to change, only you can do it, but you actually have to CHOOSE to.  

This shit is so hard to write because honestly, I struggle with this.  I struggle with knowing that I choose to spend time I could put to fitness goals into other tasks and I know it. For the most part, I get things done when it comes to business needs.  But when it comes to wanting to write more and especially be more active, I know that I have not allocated my time well enough to accomplish these things. So it’s almost like, what am I griping for? What am I looking for when I say how much I wish something could happen, when it can actually happen?  And I ask you that same question. What are you looking for when you say again this year that you want to accomplish something that you have chosen not to allocate time to consistently?…..

So with this one, live it by actually choosing yourself first. Just like you schedule that watch party for that show or that client callback that you just can’t miss; schedule that time to work out. Schedule that time to work on your book (or blog, wink). Take time to research additional streams of income to help reach your goals. Say no to things that interfere with the time set aside for yourself (within reason), because you’re life is the first business over anything else.  Others will take you only as seriously as you do. Take time for therapy. Take time to meditate, cry, regroup. Be all about you on a regular basis just as much as you are about others.

Schedule, you. Without kids if you have them, without family, without friends, without obligations, and focus on yourself with a purpose. The person you want to be didnt get there by just posting memes on social media. She began limiting her time there and giving it to herself to accomplish her goals, maybe even quicker than 10 years.

But it starts with a shift in mindset followed by immediate and consistent action. It also takes loving yourself enough to know that no matter you circumstances, you can have that meme-able life.  You can wake up 10 years from now not only next to someone you love, and with the financial stability you once thought about; with improved credit; with glowing skin; You can Netflix and chill married style.  But how, when you aren’t loving and appreciating yourself in that way now; how, sway?

Having that life 10 years from now means that today you have to start a completely new routine and work on changing that mindset. It means you have to understand you have to let a lot of things go about your past and present in order to have that ideal future.  That means you need to face your fears now, whatever they may be, so that you are not prolonging that process. This life is a journey, and although it will be nice to wake up to a better relationship after 10 years of the same thing; to your job surprising you with a huge raise and bonus with your mediocre effort; or to tearing the covers off to a six-pack and bigger butt without any diet or exercise changes,  you won’t.


You will have to let go of the toxic friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, and even family.  You will have to get comfortable, with being alone and learning who you are as this will likely be one of the best avenues to your success.  For many people who don’t progress in certain areas of their lives, the cause is rooted in fear. Depending on the situation, that fear could be due to many things, including simple lack of knowledge. To access this information and to release ourselves from any ties that bind, you must feel that you are worth it.

When you know that you are, you will begin to act accordingly. I for one, can’t wait to see the glow up.  Take your inspirational goals meme, post it up, and ask yourself what you will need to do to accomplish the first bullet point. Think small and basic needs first, and then you can build.  If you need help with more actionable steps for your goals, feel free to reach out for coaching package information and we can create a plan based on your unique needs!

Whew that was a long one. I will work on that, maybe, lol!

This book touches on finding your self worth in order to get exactly what you deserve from your relationship. Check it out now -you won’t be disappointed.

Speaking of living your meme, check me out living mine. As mentioned on my post about becoming a narrator, I began taking the steps necessary to do so. Now you can check out the fruits of my labor. click here for your download today!! This book is SPICY and a good way to grab some “me time”. Don’t wait!

Faux Family, Faux Problems

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The term Faux Family will have many different meanings.  Many use the term to describe those they have a close relationship with outside of their actual family. This could be those they are in relationship with at work, on sports teams, theater companies and so forth. Others will discuss Faux families in terms of certain behaviors that their family may exhibit. These are behaviors that make the person appear phony, fake, or faux, and that is what we will be discussing here today.  

There are many behaviors that I would place in the faux family category. Here are 3 behaviors you could be exhibiting, that highlights some of your faux family moments.

  1. Thinking people should Always speak to you first.
  2. Acting solely for the sake of praise.
  3. Using distance as an excuse to disengage in your role.

These are the few we will discuss here today.


Thinking people should always speak to you first

For many cultures it is customary that when you walk into a room where others are already occupying the space, you speak! Apparently this is not the case with particular family members. Some members care not about being family or abiding with this quite customary rule. Instead they are usually tardy to the party, walks through their family member’s house to take a seat quietly, ready and waiting for people to speak to them first. They will literally come into a space, look around, not speak, and wait to be acknowledge. And it is not like they don’t know the code; they were raised just as you were so quit playing “cousin”.

Here comes the moment where you are in line with them getting a plate at this family event, and you speak. Now this member is like “Oh, I was waiting for you to say something!” with fervor.  In my experience, it is usually a family member that is a little older, but still not an elder (and even the elders walk into an occupied space and speak). Not only is it not a good example from someone who is older, but it also sends a faux message of superiority.  You don’t need to wait for me to speak; if anything be that older example and come to me and initiate that hello, since you were the one to walk into the living room that I have been in for 2 hours already. Faux real though?!

Even if, and I dare to say especially if, you aren’t the older member in this case, when you come into a space with your family, you should speak.  It should not be a competition of seeing if they speak first. We probably did not even notice you because we have all already been here chopping it up, so when you come in, announce yourself with a simple “hello”; Especially when you waltz in very late, and everyone else has been here on time. Another way of confirming that faux superior stance. We see you; and it isn’t cute.

Why you over there looking at me like you forgot how to speak?!

Acting solely for the sake of praise.

The second faux family act today is performing actions solely for the sake of praise.
In this example the acts are performed with the pretense of being the hero; the one to always save the day. This person is really seeking acknowledgement and therefore goes out of their way to do very nice things that were not asked of them.  Now, people should always be appreciative of anything that someone does for them out of the kindness of their heart. But then these people should not be made to feel bad because the outcome of all of the “acts of kindness” was not as the giver expected. If your attitude is now determined by a response to your act, then how kind was it?

Many times people are unaware of the steps this person has taken to participate in the event. They start to talk about all of the money they have spent; money that most people did not know about because no one asked them to. This person would not ask for funds or assistance, but would suddenly begin to complain because the event is not going as planned. Mind you, when I say planned, it is a plan they have come up with in their own mind. The rest of the family members had only one agenda; to be with family, period.

This member will decorate and take lots of pictures for social media, so as to show others what they’ve done.  They will then say on social media how what they did was overlooked, but that it is OK because it was all out of the kindness of their heart. But it it were, it is not to be thrown up in the face of your family when you’re upset. Especially when no one knew of your plans to be extra, or asked for it.  Please, do not do that.

For the most part when families are getting together they are doing so because they want to be around each other. They do not need their interactions to be scheduled and monitored, or even decorated. They want to sit, laugh, eat, catch up, and generally they want it to be off schedule.  Everyone has surely made some sort of sacrifice to be there, and if it’s a sacrifice you feel you will need to come and complain about, then please submit your RSVP as no. It is the most effective choice for your own mental health.

But remember, that attitude could leave you very lonely, because doing things for a reaction or expectation will leave you disappointed more often than not.  We can barely completely plan our own lives and emotional reactions, much less those of others. So if you will have a family event and decide to go above and beyond without consulting anyone else, please don’t be salty at the end of the event and start talking about all you have spent to be there. It is in bad taste and is in line with faux behaviors.

Now, when good deeds are being performed, the family is curious as to why. Is it because you want to? Because you love and choose to us? Or because you want someone to praise you? What happens if all you happen to get is a “thank you”?  What happens if the games you planned never get played because people were more content catching up with each other? Will you attempt to make people feel bad and discuss threats of how you will never go out of your way again?

The day I decided to do something that I may not be able to afford or is a lot of extra energy, trust that it is because it is something I want to do. I am going to feel good about my act regardless. If something is not received well, I may be hurt or feel some type of way, but a healthy individual understands that this should not be a reason to begin to threaten never to do anything for family since, this time, I did not get the lift I expected to get out of my actions.

Using distance as an excuse to disengage in your role

The last part of faux family behaviors for today is one that is personal to me. I realized that I have an inability to go home and “stay out of it” just because I am not there all of the time.

What I mean is that since I no longer live at “home” with my family, namely nieces and nephew, when I do go home to visit, I still fall right in line with my responsibilities as an aunt. Not just aunt, but daughter, sister, and so forth. I focus on the little ones here because I know that many feel they have no place to come in and start disciplining or commenting on the things you learn are happening in your absence.

Just as my care and love for them does not end because I now live thousands of miles away, nor does my obligation to do my part in guiding them. I will not sit back and refrain from input simply because I am not there every day. I won’t watch them doing something wrong or dangerous and think I have no place to protect them in the way that is necessary, including time out or lecture.

I am auntie no matter where I live or how often you see me. I will not be disrespected because I do not live in Florida and see them daily.  I will not neglect my responsibility to be a role model and leader, which means I cannot perform like a substitute in their presence. I am the real thing so when I say “sit, no, maybe, go to bed, time out, put it back” and the list goes on – this is not to be ignored because “I don’t live there”.

If i see my niece poke my other niece in the eye, I am not going to take note and call her mother. I am going to handle it.  If I see my niece is sleepy, I am going to walk around with her to put her to sleep, give her a bottle, change the diaper and so forth. I am not there to look at them, hold them, and give them back. I am there to assume the position. The duties of loving, caring, teaching, providing, and yes even disciplining do not cease with distance. They may be altered, but they are still necessary!

Jess Mahogany rolling up sleeve to black Jacket. Thigh high black boots. Mauve Infinity scarf
Rolling up the sleeves to do that family work!
Thigh high boots from #Aldo; Black Trench by #CalvinKlein; Green Dress shirt from #H&M

What are some faux family problems you have come across.  Let me know below!

How to Become an Audio Book Narrator

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Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but here is how I got into narrating audio books.

I have been asked this question a few times in the last few weeks and so I figured why not have an answer for everyone already laid out and ready to go. I recently released the news of the audio book I had the privilege to narrate being available for download. It was quite the surprise to many people because I did what I usually do when it comes to my life; live it without sharing it.

I feel I did that mostly out of security.

Many of you know what I mean by that. Let me not tell anyone about this pursuit, in case it does not work out. Mhmm.  We need to stop that; And that is why even though I was not completely please with the production myself, I decided not to allow the lack of perfection keep me from sharing something I placed so much time, work, and energy into.  Perhaps people should be able to see that you don’t have to be PERFECT to begin to attack goals.

So I released it on my Facebook and Instagram and immediately people were in my text messages wondering how I got into doing something like this. I do feel it necessary to mention that this wasn’t something I decided to do on a whim. As a theatrical actress who aspires to break into film, I have always slightly sought out opportunities such as this.  I say slightly because like many of you, I found ways to get in my own way. I know I got in my own way because the minute I decided to FULLY immerse myself into the research and committed to following through, the information needed seemed to fall right into my lap.

And when I say fall into my lap I mean, I took out my phone which was likely in my bag or back pocket, and took to YouTube. Looking for voice over acting opportunities was the goal at the time because acting is acting, and any forms of it is something I am willing to try. I also have been told ALL of my life that I have a nice voice.  Now, I do not think so, but no one does, and furthermore, I have learned through my research that having a nice voice is actually NOT EVEN NECESSARY. Again, do not be deterred by negative talk, which can include limiting yourself by thinking you do not have what it takes for a particular field.

Nowadays we have plus sized models, short basketball players, boxers with no muscles, female sumo wrestlers, and yes, there are voice over actresses whose real voice sounds like they are always sucking on helium.  They are making it happen, because not everyone needs or wants a “nice voice”. They may want unique, deep, raspy, hoarse, or even something that sounds like you are and will always be 6 years old.

Now that we know you can do it, let’s talk about what I did to get started when I had no information whatsoever. I only had the desire and the internet.  The desire must be internal, and if you do not have access to the internet, you probably wouldn’t be reading this for one, and two, your desire is not strong enough because library cards and access to the internet are free, mmkay!

Typing away!

I said that I began by going to YouTube but really I started with a simple google search.  I searched SO many sites including some needing startup fees that came with promises. But before I went that route I was like, if I am going to pay for this that means I have that much faith I can do this. If I have that much faith I can do this then I might as well get an agent for FREE and let him do the work of finding me work.  

But getting an agent to get work was going to take longer than I felt I wanted to wait at that time. Furthermore, I thought, agents would be able to get me some gigs that I could not find myself, but not ALL. There HAS to be something out there I can find myself; I can be my own damn agent!

So I then came across this site.  I will not mention the name of the site as it is trash and not worth my time, and I do not want to send any of you to the dumpster.  I did place a profile on this site, and part of the requirement was that you upload a demo of your voice over.

Guess what people? I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THAT!  

Yet another powerful lesson to learn.  Do not focus on what you don’t have or can’t do in any moment. Focus on what you do have and can do, and build on the rest. So, I did not have a demo and in order to make a demo, you needed the hardware and the software. I bet you wondering if I at least had that, and the answer is, partially. I did have a laptop. That was it.

With Just a Laptop, the Journey began!

I bet that you have a laptop or access to one. If not, this is something you will want to invest in at some point. Maybe you are able to borrow or rent from a friend or family member for when you need to do some recording. But if you are just in the researching stage and want to see if this is right for you, go to your local library, get a library card, and start getting empowered with information.

Despite only having a laptop, I STILL created the profile on this trash voice over site. Being that you needed a demo in order to even get  recognized (supposedly), the act of me putting the profile up was just motivation for me to keep looking into ways I could get a demo completed as quickly as possible. No one wants someone to possibly go to their page with interest, and then not have anything for them to see?  Having that profile only made me more interested in learning about what I needed to do to move forward.

Since I could not record a demo of my own yet, I started listening to other people’s demos on that site and getting ideas for what I needed for mine. There were some GREAT demo’s on there. My old self would have been so intimidated by that, that I likely would not have wanted to try to compete. But then I reminded myself:

There is no competition; it’s just me. I am NOT up against them.

I am simply going for what I want and will surely learn to get it right. Someday I would have some content as dope as what I was listening to. I had to remind myself that it was not rocket science, though there are methods to keep in mind. But that stuff is for another post. I also want to say that even if it was rocket science, we should keep this one thing in mind:

EVEN THAT CAN BE TAUGHT, and therefore, IS something YOU can learn.

Listening to other actors demo I knew that I would at least need to get a mic. This would allow my voice to stand out and be clear. I also knew that I would need to be able to edit the clips because all of the demos had several clips with different voices that they could portray to clients.  These clips would show their range of voice over ability from commercial, to radio announcer, to movie trailers.

There are voice overs for SO MANY THINGS. I realize this every time I get into an elevator that has the lady saying “going up” and “level 4”. I find myself repeating these voices and thinking, I can surely do that.  And haven’t you always wanted to be the voice of the GPS? Look at all the opportunities that are out there!

Now at the very least I needed a mic.  I also needed editing software and had no idea what to do about that. This is when YouTube came into play. I was looking at video after video after video on equipment and frankly getting overwhelmed. Two weeks had gone by and I still did not have a demo or the equipment.  I shared these concerns with my boo and to my surprise, I was blessed with the news that a Mic was already on the way from Amazon. LOOK AT GOD!

The mic arrived a few days later and people, another blessing is learning that it was not super expensive.  The Mic I have is called Fifine and I do not remember the exact cost but it was under $120 I am sure. This is a USB mic so it plugs right into your laptop and boom, you are ready to go.  The beauty of the mic was that it came with instructions for how to use it with a FREE software program you could download onto your laptop!

Two things taken care of with one stone. Tuh! Tell me you can’t and I will just take your spot. Don’t let me do it, ok!

So, I download the recommended software called Audacity, which was actually something I had seen on YouTube from my research.  Many people raved about audacity, so I put it on my Toshiba laptop and was ready to record within minutes. I remember giggling like a school girl hearing my voice back like that for the first time as I recorded.  It was fun to play with the settings and learn to do the basics like record, stop, pause and delete. It seemed all too simple.

After I played around with the mic, I began to record my own personalized demo. All of the demos I had been listening to would have music or sound effects in the background. This seemed crucial. I had to then learn how to do that as well. ugh! that is another post for another day. After I taught myself how to do the basics of editing, mastering, and adding music, (which took DAYS), I was ready to post my first demo to the trash site. I did, and after a while, got nothing.  

But I did not put all my eggs in that one basket!

I was still looking for other options on YouTube. When researching recording equipment the suggested videos were geared to voice over work. Not surprising since that is what much of the equipment is used for. I started looking into them and found this lady with a cadence and professionalism to her voice that I just love.  Her YouTube channel is the Voice Work Academy. She was one of the few who began to mention ACX through Amazon.

I followed her channel more than others, but since her videos were being done as a series, I often did not want to wait a week or two for the next video to come out to learn what to do next. (All of the videos you would need to start are already available; how lucky!)

I had to stay vigilant!

I saw through her channel and some others that through ACX you are able to audition narrate books.  I thought to myself, “you were looking for voice over acting but here you are so, why the heck not”. What I love about ACX that was surely more legit than that other site, was that they did not just expect you to put up a demo and hope someone drops by your page. You  are able to put up a demo AND actively search for your own auditions for audio books!

They have THOUSANDS of titles you can search and audition for, so you can be the powerful, proactive, hustler that you are; after all, that is why you are here.

The lady with voice work academy tells you where you can find royalty free books to use for your demo. Since I am a writer, I did have a sample from an unpublished book of my own.  I put my sample on the site and began to audition. I auditioned for 2 books and was rejected. I even had someone reach out to me with excitement after hearing my demo, only to turn me down.

Stay on it. Just because the path isn’t lit does not mean it’s not the right one.

But I truly believe that was a test of faith.  Furthermore, there is nothing healthy about the expectation that it should always go right the first time. Just because you start doing the work, doesn’t mean the work will pour in immediately.  Also, getting the rejections were a blessing because it gave me more time to learn the importance of mastering audio. Had I not done that I would not have produced good quality material for the books I auditioned for. I simply was not ready.

Not being completely ready is not reason enough to cease pursuit.  If you have read this far that should be clear. But you should also be willing to do the work, learn what you need to learn, and be patient.  Mastering the audio on my own for someone who is not tech savvy meant long hours and frustration with not being able to get it “right”. It also meant that I learned the importance of controlling my recording environment as best I can. This way I didn’t have too much editing to do on the back end.  

When the timing was right, I knew, because it then seemed like all of a sudden, I was not having to audition. Instead, I was being approached.  How nice is it to just wake up to an email with someone being appreciative of your demo? And you know that it is not JUST the demo, but the mastering and editing that YOU did all on your own, with faith and patience.  

I began to get offers and went right back to researching (watching YouTube) on what to do with those offers. I learned that a 3 hours book could take about 20 hours of your time. I learned that ACX has standards you have to meet, and you will want to meet them because this work will be out there forever. I learned that sometimes, you have to do it over.  For my first book, I completed the entire book and actually had chapters to read all over because the background noise was too much to edit out.

headsets; another minor necessity – but coffee is always a must!

Most importantly I learned that this is something I could do, with little equipment, and little money. I have already made back the money that was invested into getting started. You need to be willing to do the work it takes to learn your craft, and once you do, the rest will be easy.  I am now sitting here typing with one completed book and 3 more projects under my belt. I am certainly looking for more. In the meanwhile you look out for the next 3 books coming up. They should all be released by April 2019. Check back here for your copy!

To sum up, here is how I got started narrating audio books:

  1. Researched what I needed.
  2. Obtained the necessary hardware and software (laptop, Fifine USB Microphone, audacity editing software).
  3. Set up an ACX profile. Free, and if you have Amazon, simply log into your account, navigate to ACX, and set up a profile.
  4. Create your demo with royalty free books to read from.
  5. Audition for titles.
  6. This is really number one; believe in yourself and work through the frustrations. It is only a learning curve, so just stick with it. And have FUN!

Are you also a narrator or interested in becoming one?  Leave your comment and tell me all about it!

Look for the first book I completed on Audible. The title is: Jeremey: BWWM Romance.  Happy Reading!

Cut Her Off!

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“If my wife does not want me communicating with certain women, for whatever reason, I’ll respect her feelings and cut ties asap”. This is a paraphrased excerpt of a post I saw on Instagram.  The original post goes on to say that it is just out of respect. “If your spouse is uncomfortable with someone for ANY REASON, that person should now be automatically cut off.

He does go on to say that if his wife expresses good reason why that person is not good for their relationship, he will respect that. While this is a good thing, he steps on the “for whatever reason” statement, on the post.  

There were a number of people, mainly women, who agreed with it. As I stated, I think that the way he would like to respect his wife is exemplary. But there were some that found issue with the statement; and those arguments were some I could also agree to as well.  

I wanted to comment on the post and in fact I did, but then ran out of word count while feeling like I was only midway through my thought. So I decided to bring my tendency to be long winded or, as I’d like to re-frame – thorough, here.

What one person in objection stated was (paraphrasing) “a husband is called to lead and therefore should be asking questions before deciding on an appropriate action…it is unwise to not attempt to understand why his wife feels uncomfortable and to address the underlying issues”, if there should be any, of course.

He said, what he said!

I felt as though he was stating that with a good and legitimate reason the husband should comply.  While this statement does question “who decides the reason that will be good enough to comply with the request?”, I do see validity in wanting to further investigate and understand the reasons why.

The process for going about this would be situational, uniquely based on the couple in question; but there are some things to think about if this issue were to ever present itself to you.

There were so many people seemingly against the person commenting that a reason would be needed. But he stood his ground, as he should have, since it was just as solid a stance as the one in which the husband should comply; without questioning, I might add. There are some cases in which compliance should come without question. But there are others in which there certainly should be questions. In the cases that warrants questions, I think both parties should have questions.

I began to state something along the lines of “I appreciated this thread of comments and it seems everyone is right, lol. While it is a great sign of respect and assures the priority is to make his wife is comfortable with his friendships, we want to be careful with enabling the need for conditions to be met just for her to be OK. This act without questioning could be disallowing the possibility for those underlying issues to be address.

Those underlying issues he (lets call him the DA, for Devil’s Advocate) spoke of were insecurity or lack of faith in her partners ability to remain faithful, and etc.  In your response to DA (stated to the OP, Original poster) when you said “ a woman who loves you isn’t going to just walk around objecting to you being around other women [unless there are other issues]”, confirms that these other issues he speaks of addressing, are valid. We DO have to be aware of what those other underlying issues are.

Not that it should be a condition of respecting her wishes. But it is for the benefit of her as well to be able to address this discomfort (provided it isn’t one of those cases that go without question; and I think we can guess what some of those might be; again, situational).  If it isn’t, then perhaps having the discussion about it is not only wise, but beneficial to the growth and healing of your spouse.

One cannot build defenses and learn how to control and alter unhealthy behavior if they are shielded from doing so.  I can’t build confidence if I continue to avoid situations that test me in that way.

But change does not happen overnight, right. It might be a challenge just for your spouse to think their wish for you to cease communication with someone else actually SHOULD be questioned. They may have no desire to even consider that their feelings could be altered with some introspection.

Am I supposed to cease communication with this person in the meantime?

That was one of the questions asked on the post.  I am not sure what DA said to that, if anything. I do think that it is worth exploring those grounds with your spouse. It is valid to be uncomfortable or not feel right about a person; but you should be able to have a conversation about importance of exploring that.

Not only that, but also explain why that particular friendships is one you might want to cultivate. There is nothing wrong with wanting or needing certain people in your social/networking circle. But being cut off from people because your spouse hasn’t dealt with aspects of their own life, is not healthy. Hopefully no one is putting their partner through that with no reason, but for some, they may not be aware.

When it is clear that there is no danger to the marriage, why would we fail to address the need for severance of relationships with certain people?

You know them, have heard of them, or have been them. That person who was going through a major divorce and life transition.  There were people that they probably could have called on. Some who would have been there, still, and some would not. But they did not even feel as though they could reach out; So they didn’t.

They don’t even quite remember when it started. That moment when they started seeing their friends and nurturing work relationships less and less, because little nuances began to sneak into the relationship. There began a pattern of being guarded because “suddenly”, they have this unwritten rule on the type of friends they are able to have that they must follow.

There are plenty of natural reasons for this, obviously. In regards to this topic, there are cases when someone began controlling the lives of their spouse for the sake of their comfort and security.

Even though their spouse obliged time and again, they still would not address the need for their partner to distance themselves from certain people. Despite proving to be committed, they have limited their social connections/support, which has adverse effects on the individual and consequently, the relationship.

Still ending up with the very thing you were trying to avoid!

This is how a lot of these stories began; With someone saying simply because I said so, you should not be around them. A mature spouse will want to have that conversation with you about the significance and importance for both of you to have a social life outside of one another. A healthy individual will also want to make sure they are addressing skewed ideals and expectations.  

There absolutely WILL and SHOULD be people in which a tight, thick, and high barrier should be placed between them and your marriage. But what I felt the person in the post was objecting to was that it shouldn’t be for “whatever reason”. Many of the “whatever reasons” people will have will be rooted in where their security or confidence lies.

We should eliminate the need to control our partner’s relationships solely as the lifeline for our healing.  If these things are not addressed, a person would always be needing their spouse to do something for them in order to get that sense of release, comfort or satisfaction. In order to feel loved or even secure, your partner must not interact with this person who hasn’t done or even presented any indication they would do something that would create a threat.

There are real threats out there to marriages, but some people just want to be sure they aren’t alienating people simply because there is a possibility that their spouse may think “they are too cute” or some other silly reason (and DON’T FRONT LIKE THIS ISN’T REAL, please)…but they don’t want to give their spouse that reason, so they say “It’s just something about them”.

We cannot pretend like this is not just as real as the legitimate concerns people will have and let’s face it, I would not want to be that intimidated by another person.

“But I have intuitions or bad feelings about this person, and I am usually right about them”.

I hear that a lot and actually believe this to be true for many, including myself. But if I can remember even a few times I was a little off about my judgment of someone, then that is enough for me to know a situation deserves proper assessment before making final decisions.

If I were to feel uncomfortable about a particular person my spouse was friends with, I do ask myself why. Have I heard or seen something? What do I feel this person triggered in me? Do I  feel a sense of insecurity or jealousy in some arena (and you don’t have to admit this to others, but please be honest with yourself. It’s crucial, and this is all normal)?  

You can still heal and work on these things without necessarily telling anyone that this is what is making your uncomfortable, but in terms of a healthy marriage, you should be able to honestly inform your spouse of these things. Is there some concern about your partners ability to stay faithful and where does it stem from?

You may share these reasons or have others, but once you uncover them, challenge them.

To piggyback on moments when my judgment was not always correct, I know that I too have been wrongfully judged. This was happening to me from “adults” whom you’d think would be able to make their own decisions about others. Instead they were making decisions based on the assumptions of others.

They may have had their reasons; but when you don’t know anything about a person, you are basing your like or dislike on distant perception. Perception is shaped largely by experiences, and they do not transfer and/or hold true from person to person. Refusing to challenge that leaves opportunity to miss out on so much.

You shouldn’t be afraid to ask yourself, what proof do I have?  What reasons can I provide that says perhaps there is NO cause to be concerned? Challenge yourself to understand that you won’t get closer to being secure ONLY by prohibiting your spouse from certain people.  Furthermore, a great way to learn to trust someone, is to just trust them. To show confidence is to proceed confidently, through the fear.  Ask yourself, do I want to feel like I am intimidated by someone else? What does that say about me?

Perhaps it is not intimidation or insecurity or even the concern of your partners ability to be faithful. If not, it is still not in good practice to readily write people off without warrant. It has been a long time since I have been in the business of trying to prohibit activities from those I am in a relationship with.  There is only one way to make sure those in the relationship stay faithful and that is for them to take those actions, equally.

Without being open to looking at the emotions a person stirs up inside of you, you may not be able to address the biases or experiences that make you view this person differently than your spouse does. Now, someone your spouse may have seen as a good person; a source of social support, they have to dismiss for sentiments they do not share.  They must sacrifice their own sense of self and voice in the relationship, for the sake of your “security”.

It’s OK to seek clarity for yourself, and for the sake of others

This essentially says that your spouse doesn’t know how to discern when someone is being a threat to your relationship; so they must leave it up to you to make those determinations. Furthermore, if they do notice that this person is a threat, you feel they will not act accordingly to protect your marriage.

The day I come to my spouse to say I want them to stop being friends with someone, I would hope to have a good reason; A reason that I think they would be able to understand and respect. I would also want to be able to discuss the importance of this person or persons in their life.  It is a back and forth conversation (because we marry partners, not children). As much as I want to be comfortable and free in my relationship, I also want that for the person I am with.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG.

If at the end of the day I feel completely bad about this person and still can’t find anything that really seems legit, I DO think my spouse should show respect and sever that friendship. This post is never to negate the respect that should be shown for the partners we have chosen, and that includes their levels of discomfort.  But there are some discomforts we can grow from, and never having to address them does not allow for that.

So even though I may not have an actual reason, trust I will bring to the conversation all of my discomforting thoughts ABOUT THAT PERSON IN QUESTION (not someone she reminds me of although I know nothing about her; definitely explore that – GO, Be Dora!). What makes me say, They are a HARD NO.   But the exploration is there.  I will show that, although I cannot settle on an answer, I have given this thought.

Because it comes from somewhere, and a healthy relationship does not include friendship blocking for the sake of control; Nor as a band-aid to a wound that is not fully healed.  Keeping a person from certain people will not decrease the likelihood of infidelity. It also doesn’t cease the need to address your concerns. There should be a level of confidence that your spouse is tracking and mitigating, as well as putting an immediate stop to, anything that he/she recognizes as a threat. But everything YOU think is a threat may not be, and it is only fair to make sure we aren’t calling a firecracker a bomb!

peace, blessings, and Power

Where do you stand on this? Do you think it should be a cutoff for ANY reason; or is it fair to at least begin the dialogue with your spouse on why, address underlying issues, and/or come up with certain agreements on what constitutes the cut off point for outsiders?   

I’d Love to know; Where does you power lie with this one?

Waking up on 11/11

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If you get out of your way, there will come the day, that you step into your purpose

Jess Mahogany

She told herself she was a boss, and on every level she felt as such, until she started looking at the numbers. Then she knew. Then she changed. Then she woke up.

It was 7:28 AM    –   11/11 (that date though!)

If you know anything about numerology, then I was pleased that I woke up to the number of my life path. Along with that date, you may as well change my name to WINNER. Talk that talk spirit guides!

It is SO HARD for me to wake up in the mornings.  I have never considered myself a morning person. I joke that I was born in the afternoon and was still asleep (although it’s not really a joke since, it’s true).  I was a breech baby meaning I never turned to come out head first as the “normal” cycle of pregnancy and child birth indicates.  This is probably because I was sleeping most of the time.

I had stints of waking up early and doing things like, going to the gym or sipping coffee on the couch whilst writing poetry (You just HAVE to say it like that to paint the picture of sophistication…or something, right?). 

But these periods never lasted.  I was also focusing on plan B in life, to set myself up in case other aspirations did not work out, and consequently I did not give the necessary time to plan A.  Sound familiar to anyone else?

That seems so silly in hindsight, as I now see that anything we give the focus to, we will bring to fruition.  

I could have focused just as much on my plan A and achieved it just as I did with plan B; The plan that brought me security and safety and a sense or normalcy.  This was the plan that was supposed to fund plan A, but took away the precious time and opportunity to actual give to plan A.  And this plan, plan B, never made me excited to wake up early. But I kept doing it.

Make the decision to do something you haven’t done before. Dare to try!

It seems I am not opposed to waking up early, so long as I am inspired, motivated, and excited by what the day will bring.  That excitement came with focusing on plan A. That is what made me wake up on a Sunday well before time for me to get up on my regular work day.

THAT IS SOME EXCITING SHIT!

You might ask, why is waking up early important?  Well, there are a few reasons many could argue, and I actually do not cater to most of them. For me, it is the symbolism.  It is the ease at which I am able to create the time for something that gives me purpose, because there is no fight in me to wake up and turn  my attention to my business.

Because I did not take advantage of younger years, living with mom and no real responsibilities, I now have to carve out time to fulfill my dreams while working that plan B (and fulfilling someone else’s dream – deep eye roll).  But that is OK.  It has to be so I can get over that and get on to doing what I need to do to change that.

And that is tending to my needs, my dreams, my goals, and making the time to do so.  Starting my day with my passion will help power the day of working someone else’s, because now the purpose has shifted internally for me.

Your challenge today is to try that as well. Pick a time, anytime, and tend to YOUR business. That might be getting a certain space together, forming a business plan, or even turning on that workout video. Whatever you have been promising yourself, THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS!

Many of the rich will tell you to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, and although being rich is not the primary aim (I think it’s most peoples aim at least a little bit, lol), I do want to live my passion and use my gifts as God intended.

DON’T YOU?! 

Life is not just about surviving. I refuse to believe that.

The barriers I face to pursuing the primary dreams I have lie primarily in my thoughts around age, worthiness, and confidence.  But the thing about my plan A is that it is a platform to allow me to work on these things while helping others who seek to work on them as well. This platform is about really bossing up through healing, teaching, releasing, and living the life YOU DESIGN FOR YOURSELF.

I believe through the ups and downs there is gold, beauty, and poetry in life, and as a therapist I also believe there is healing and strength to be found in every chapter.

This first post is the start of a new chapter and what I am sure will be a highlight of my life. It is the epitome of finally walking the walk, and not just talking the talk. It is the recorded and very public promise to myself to show up in every way I once desired. And as a part of this journey, I aim to help you do the same. Win, Lose,or Draw – Game on!

That’s worth getting up for!

What do you think would be worth getting up for in your life? Let me know, as well as your barriers, and we can address them here, together!