Tag Archives: love

Fool Me Once

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This little piggy kissed someone else in my face, 

This little piggy stayed gone,

This little piggy said they slept in their car all night,

In the middle of a summer storm

And this little piggy cried alll the wayyy… back to them.

Why? This thing called forgiveness, I guess. But there was one thing wrong. I thought that meant, forget…

Someone once asked me, and I am paraphrasing, “do you like to remember the bad things?”  My response was, “yes, sometimes”. The reason for that was simple, and the importance of doing so was something that very person reminded me of just days after asking me that question. 

Fool Me Once

You have likely heard of the old Italian adage, “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.”  It means that if you wrong me once, then shame on you for tricking me. I must now be wary of your ability to do it again, and if you do, then that shame is my fault. Because I was not choosing to be mindful of your trickery, you were able to repeat your offense. 

It is due to this proverb that we need to remind ourselves of the “bad things”.  Whether or not these things are intrinsically bad, their negative effects are.

I learned that those were things I need to be protected from.  I needed to remember the negative qualities of a person so that I could learn how to navigate them or avoid them altogether.  It is very easy to romanticize a situation; hype up the positives out of some belief in the nobleness of focusing only on the better parts of a person. But doing so can place us at risk of being unable to accurately assess the fit of the person for us. It also hinders the ability to monitor progress when one claims to be making strides to improve certain behaviors. What are we monitoring if we are denying there are issues to begin with?

Hold Grudges! Who, Me?

I used to say I did not hold grudges but realized one day that it was a lie. I did this by way of letting some people’s actions dictate how I treated others in similar situations. I acknowledged the error in doing this, and in my attempt to correct that error, I told myself that forgiveness meant trying to wash away what people had done to hurt me.  I was like Oprah, but with new slates; Everybody got one.

I would say to forgive meant I needed to put all of that stuff behind me.  In a way yes, if you choose to forgive you must not hold the weight of faults over the relationship forever; If that’s the case then why forgive? But, to forgive does not mean to forget, and I do believe you owe it to yourself to remember the ability a person has to be a detriment to you in some way, and act accordingly.  

Act Accordingly

By act accordingly, I mean, assess the level of hurt inflicted and use sound logic to determine the next step for that individual based on your needs. If you find that this is simply an issue that is not going to change, you now get to decide if the constant discord in this area is causing enough dissatisfaction to end the relationship. 

Maybe you decide that this is something that can be adjusted with practice with that individual, and you can safely monitor progress towards better behaviors.  Perhaps you decide that as much as you detest the behavior, even without a change it is not a reason for you to let go of the said relationship. Then, maybe this level of discord fits with the plan of your life and you could move forward with a focus on coping mechanisms for yourself. 

YOU, then, must decide how to make it more palatable for you. You can still work on supporting the alteration of that person’s behavior if you choose, but understand that at some point you have made the decision to choose a quality that may be one of their “unchanging” traits. In knowing that, you cannot keep screaming dissatisfaction or hurt for a choice you are making. You ALWAYS have the choice to leave. 

There is protection in learning what is harmful to your mind, body, and soul.  All of them matter.

But, What if…

What if they really are trying?  What if this is the time they actually get it right?
To that I say, you likely have a sense of when a person is not honoring their words and cannot commit to your well-being as they promise.  In most situations, you know when a person is not capable of being respectful to you no matter how much they make you smile. If you truly believe the good outweighs the effects of the pain they put you through, or that this time will be the last time, then, of course, stay. You have chosen your type of drama; the 20 percent we ALL have to decide to live with. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong (unless of course we are speaking of ANY abuse and if so, please refer to the hotline below).  

If you like yelling and screaming at people week after week and this is the ‘good life’ for you, live it. But for those of you that are ready to be honest about what you want and deserve,  then hear this – remember the bad in even those who mean the world to you. Don’t focus only on the “what if’s” in a person when they keep showing you “what is”. Maya Angelou already said it, “when a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Remember how, although they took great care of you, they almost caused you to lose all you’ve worked so hard for.  Remember, how although they made you grin from ear to ear, they also cheated several times. Remember, that although you all began a family together, they were physically abusive every time they were upset. Remember that although their apology seemed sincere, your lesson now is when to respect yourself enough to know that you are worth more than being their experiment on seeing if the lesson has been learned this time. You already know what they had the chance to show and could not produce. 

Fooled Me Twice

In the beginning, I said I was having this discussion right before I was fooled twice.  That little piggy disappeared for the second time. This was definitely a “shame on me moment” because at that moment I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong, rather than paying attention to the character traits of this person when they were first revealed. This was something THEY did, even after the effects of this behavior was disclosed to them. 

In the act of me continuing to engage, I relayed the message that on some level, I have decided that that behavior was OK. If I continued to stick around because “I want to see the good in them”, I can’t keep iterating how this person is fooling me. I now know who they are. I am choosing to look the other way at the expense of my own feelings, needs, desires. 

It’s not wise to expect people to learn without communication and trial, but it is up to you to decide how many lessons you provide before you know if they are actually trying, or able, to comprehend.  In my opinion, this number is dependent on a few things including the person, the type of relationship, and what we might know about the person at a given time (i.e., are they in rehab or going through some traumatic experience). 

But the primary place your decisions lies is in where you value yourself. When you know this, you know that even a person’s trauma is not grounds to inflict and cause trauma within you. If they feel they cannot heal properly without finding an outlet that doesn’t include harming you, then they aren’t ready for you. 

So pay attention. Remember. And act accordingly.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Support, resources, and advice for your safety. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

*Please always keep in mind the term relationship is not assigned only to those romantic in nature; these could be familial or friendships as well.

Love is: Freeing

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“For every time, I made you cry.  I wanna make, your whole, body smile…” – Lyrics from Body Smile, by DVSN.

You know when you are listening to that song you wish you never introduced them to, and you want to turn it off because it almost hurts to hear.  You are reminded again of the power of music. The power to make you realize love in you for the very person that has caused that song to bring you pain. The person that said they loved you.

But you keep listening to that song, thinking of how you have been here before. Transported through music to a time of bad memories. Memories that make you forget the good in what you have now; the good in all you introduced to that person, including this song, who they are now negatively attached to. You listen anyway. Knowing you will get back to the moment when that song was just your jam and not another reminder of disappointment.

But, I love you

Most people are confused and conflicted when it comes to love, and they will tell you they love you before they even know if they can back that up. This is about taking back your song. About holding on to your truth despite those entering your life that are still juggling with theirs.  One thing about music is when it hits, you can feel pain, depending on the attachments the lyrics might have to a source of your pain. But truth is, that song hit in a way that their disappointment never can. And you realize, they missed out.
And you; You learned another valuable lesson.

Be careful when people say they love you.

People will say they love you, while denying you the ability to speak to them when something is not to their liking. People will say they love you, and call you out your name. People will say they love you, today, and will block you tomorrow over one incident. People, will say they love you, and because those words were not reciprocated at the same time, will cease building a relationship with you.  They will say they love you, and try to prohibit your friendships or outings. They will say they love you, and expect your actions to be all about coddling their insecurities and tending to the pain inflicted by others.

Silly rabbits, Here’s a carrot: love, is freeing.

However it should be defined between those in relationship with each other, at its core, it should be freeing.  You should be able to expand each other rather than attempt to confine. Love should not be conditioned upon your need to compromise your truth, safety, or identity in any way that is not beneficial to each party involved, primarily you. Love is not hasty, for it has no need to be. It is patient and feels no need to rush, force, or pressure others into decisions regarding its need for confirmation.

When it comes to love,many believe it to be a thing of ideals. They have misconceptions of what that should look like, impose those misconceptions onto you, and then rescind their love when their ego and fantasy has been deflated. These people will instantly treat you rudely, ignore calls, and take action to cause you hurt in some way. This is not love.  If I care about you, even just a little, I can not have an instantaneous shut down button at every sign of discord. Even if this is a result of negative relationships, socialization, and communication patterns, choosing not to address and fix them, yet expecting a non deserving partner to just “work with you”, is not acting from a place of love.

For all the Wrong Reasons

I am not saying stay with people at all cost. I will be the FIRST to say no to that. There are numerous situations that require walking away and protecting your heart, and if you are ever concerned that you might be in one of those situations then reach out, talk to a professional, or leave a comment and we can discuss it.

But this is regarding those specific situations where people use the word love because of how poetic it still is despite its abuse and bad reputation. Despite that fact that people still aren’t really sure what it means and how to display it, they will say it.  They will say it irresponsibly, prematurely, strategically, desperately; sometimes just because it’s what they need to hear themselves.

They say it to you, and you may think you feel the same; hell, you may ACTUALLY feel the same. But you also take that word seriously. You don’t want to use this word prematurely when you could be mistaking these emotions for a number of different things including lust or infatuation.  You don’t want to use this word irresponsibly due to the hero’s syndrome (ask me). You don’t want to use this word strategically, which is automatically disingenuous but only you know this, and not the person hearing you utter this word. And you don’t want to use it desperately or out of fear you will lose this person. Out of fear you can’t find another. Out of fear you are unworthy.

When, What, How

You instead want to use it when the word just seem to escape.  When there has been moments of wanting to, but knowing the power of that word, you held on for certainty. You held on knowing that it meant it was from the depths of you, so when you said it, it was all you needed.  You needed to speak that truth as much as you needed to breath, and it did not matter what happened after, as long as you were able to come up for air. As long as you were able to be free.

Realizing you love someone is not simultaneous with them needing to love you back in that same moment; nor does it coincide with sudden ownership or dictation of their actions and speed to which you need them to move.  Because remember, you claim to have fallen in love with them as they were in the moments leading up to your knowledge of that. You loved them without knowing if they loved you back. You loved them without deciding who they should hang out with, without disrespecting them or endangering their lives and those of their families.  You loved them until the moment you said it and then fear, not love, began to drive you. That became the way in which you began to move.

Love is shown more through action that the word could ever convey.  It is more difficult to confuse action over words. I can say I love you, but I show you through my patience when communicating, through my attempts to reach you in many ways and not just in the language I know. I show through my forgiveness of your shortcomings and flaws, and give the grace I expect and deserve when I am not 100 percent, when I mess up, get out of line, or do something to hurt you.

I will show by keeping promises and respecting you even through disagreement. I will be concerned for your safety, and never deny an opportunity to express your emotions or feelings of hurt with me. To love means, I cannot have disregard for your emotions because mine are being affected.  It means I learn how to tend to them both.

Play. That. Shit!

The song plays again, now nearing its days of becoming a throwback, and you realize that them leaving your life when they did was a blessing. You were right there. Right on that threshold of work functions and cocktail dresses; all access to the house; contemplating the locksmith for new keys to your heart.  And they left before you had to decide to make a new set for their entry. If it were a bullet, you dodged it. You were right at the point of changing “I” to “we”, of forgiving, of forgiving again, of going against your word, of putting your kids in danger, of putting your family in danger, of re-inviting toxicity, of endangering your peace, of missing…your song.

This song is now what is was before, but better. You smile knowing you overcame the urge to archive it, and instead created new meaning in its lyrics. There is defiance in disallowing a negative memory to destroy sources that make you happy. Reclaim that mood; let that be a reminder that if it was really love, this is a song you two would be enjoying together. But instead, it’s all yours. Back to being the jam you always turn up; that always makes your heart smile, your soul smile, your whole body smile.

Play that shit.

“…Sometimes it better when you yell than when you say nothing. But you’re getting tired, of explaining everything that you need, it’s more water, less stress, more sex, more carefree. Don’t wanna hurt no more, not over me, cause, I’m not worth it and, this ain’t working and, running out of words again…” – Body smile, DVSN.

J.Mahogany in orange shirt, black pants on stone steps

What song have you ceased listening to all because of the lies people tell on love? Leave a comment, and then, play that shit! XOXO – J.Mahogany