Today on the blog I am sharing with you the importance of owning your own emotions. While it would be nice if those who hurt us took all the burden of fixing us, that is not always possible. Watch the video or read up on why. Either way, let’s P.OW.E.R UP!
https://youtu.be/rr-tUEK0jS8
Today we are talking about, OWNING your emotions!
Your journey is just about you, and that includes all the emotional baggage you accumulate while on it. You meet so many people on your path and most do not stick around, yet you still feel it safe to try to give others the reins when it comes to managing YOUR emotions.
You are not only disempowering yourself from the necessary growth, but you imply that others can do better at fixing you, than you. And when they can’t do it, we then just leave our hearts on the table, vowing silently to never give it out again. (or go to FB talking bout people aint shit!)
Too often when we are dealing with people, we take their every move, personal. We make it about us. We confuse our feelings and behave from a space of ego; assuming that they should have abandoned focus on their journey to account for our comforts. But all you have to do, is
Pay attention and then, decide…
Decide 1. What it is you TRULY feel about this person’s actions and
2. What YOU want to do about it.
But knowing the problem, the associated emotions, and the resolve, is all up to YOU.
Talking to those who hurt us about the problem is a great way to attempt some resolve, but most people talk with the expectation that the offending party will say the right things; something to make the “feeling” go away; Something to stroke our ego and remind us that it is ALL about us, including all of their actions.
While we find romance in assuming our partners play the role of fixing our hurt feelings, truth be told, whatever role it is, is small. It will always be small because you are asking someone to handle something that is yours; To resolve something that is yours in a way that you will be made satisfied.
And of all of the problems with this the main two are that 1. They do not know what that best way would be. If they did and cared, then the issue would not be an issue. And if they did not, then your issue should be on deciding what next steps are warranted in the “getting to know you” process.
And 2. This will make some frown, but it is that YOU do not even know what the best results would look like half the time. Why? Because YOU aren’t even sure of the emotions, yes, your emotions; and most of your automatic responses are so basic that you TRULY want whatever event that got you in your feelings, to never have happened in the first place. but you know that can’t be the case but in a weird way also do not know that this can’t be the case.
This is often displayed by a person refusing to let the situation go no matter the explanation or countless, genuine apologies. All that can be focused on is the affront to them, foregoing the details of the story of the offending person – their journey to self. Going for days being ticked off because someone else did something YOU FELT they should not have. But did you hear me – YOU FELT… and therefore YOU have to do something about it. But many of you can’t because you rely on others to boost self-esteem, even if that means lying to you or being disingenuous to themselves.
Oftentimes the glow up of others, the road to them making less of the types of mistakes that got you in a tizzy, is to make them to begin with and sometimes, you are going to be the person that is the teacher on someone else’s journey. Being a teacher means that sometimes you are the one that got away cause yes…yes you are the good person you want to place on a pedestal and pretend no one should ever offend, but they will, and you will leave, or talk, or EXPLAIN error…but not make them responsible for your feelings. And when you really are that good of a person, this becomes a great lesson for the person who committed the offense.
Naw, it ain’t always easy realizing the many ways we teach.
Nor is it easy to know that most often we get hurt by acts that are unintentional, or that really had nothing to do with us at all. And Whether you have had countless conversations or not you mostly fail to realize that you are spending too much time focusing on the change of another rather than the necessary change that needs to happen with self.
I am not saying that people should not be mindful of your feelings when you are in relationship with them, NOT AT ALL. but they cannot be responsible for them. It is up to you to decide if someone is handling you appropriately and YOU make the decision on how you will proceed within the confines of that relationship (ps. I use the term relationship to signify any type of relationship).
We have seen people try to make wrongs, right, in so many ways but ultimately the healing is always up to the one that is hurting… and to do so well hell they first need to decide if HURT is even what they are experiencing! But child that’s a whole other lesson – see you next week for that one. Today just know that, what you’re feeling now…that’s all yours boo. Own it, take control, and power up – dassit!
Recovering from anything that is traumatic will come with its challenges. Most of us just need help with accessing the resources that can address the challenges and aid time in healing your wounds. Here are a few things that can be used to tailor your toolbox for the construction of your healing.
Before getting to the list it is important to understand what trauma is. Many of us believe we have not endured any trauma, but trauma is not limited to abuse, neglect, war, or violence. It can also come from feeling unseen or unvalued as a child, moving/relocating, job loss, family changes, having boundaries violated, and more. Whatever your source, here are some things that may be an asset in concocting your self-healing remedy.
1. Acceptance – acceptance does not mean that what happened was ok. It means that you no longer have to fight to suppress it. Now, you can look at it for what it is, and decide the appropriate way to handle it.
2. Resilience – this is your ability to be bent, but not broken; to be used, but not damaged. This is knowing that you are of a spirit that was built for the challenges it endures. Remember that you are able to bring self-healing and be as useful and necessary as you were created to be. How you are able to adjust to the circumstance and regain control is your resilience and wherever you are on that scale, it can be built upon.
3. Support – I have a saying; “a dollar is better than four quarters”. I use this in terms of support. It’s better to have one solid person of PERSONAL support than to have four who aren’t actually there for you. Just this one person can be a great start and it helps to have a sounding board for releasing the thoughts that are tumbling around inside. Validation received from supports also builds resiliency in knowing that you are heard and seen and that your responses to stress are normal.
The other type of support is PROFESSIONAL supports; where you’d go for the safe processing of thoughts and emotions. Here, you can take the heavier things you do not want to consistently place on those that you need around on the day to day basis. Finding the right counselor or life-coach could make a major difference in your journey.
4. Routine for self-care – not only is establishing a routine healthy but making sure that routine includes self-care is essential. Self-care is the fuel that will get you to where you are going. It is the massage for tired feet so we can walk another day; the positive affirmation to boost the spirit; the exercises for the strength and endurance; the good nights’ rest for clarity; the healthy eating for proper nutrients and growth. All of these things reduce illness or DIS-EASE. When you are not at ease, you are not able to make the healthy decisions that promote healing.
In addition to self-care is learning and practicing techniques for triggering situations. Some techniques include deep breathing, grounding, or utilizing distractions such as calling supports or counting backward. Just as we have fire drills at work and school, so must we with life. We do not want to wait until the fire hits to decide our options. Begin trying some techniques even when you are not in a heightened state. Know what you respond to and how it feels so that you know what techniques to activate and when.
5. Goal – having small goals after trauma re-instills power, purpose and control. This is about establishing and accomplishing something for self and celebrating every step closer to its achievement. Additionally, you are now operating from a future-oriented stance, removing you from that toxic mental space.
6. Belief – This is most important of all, but is shaped more strongly by the incorporation of all of the above. Initially, the belief only has to be strong enough to get you to start, but knowing your future is not determined by the roads you’ve already traveled will promote moving forward. Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you are right; you may as well believe you can!
In healing, you want to understand the realities of trauma. There is no getting around the normal reactions to abnormal situations. They are in place for a reason. Appreciate that your system works, but find the remedy it needs to be repaired. That is what is so special about us. That remedy is truly of your own making. You get to add or subtract at will; be that your decisions, your friends, even family. You can formulate what you need and how you need it but that will only come through consistent assessment, action, trial, and belief. So, even if just a mustard seed part of you that knows that ‘Ye are Gods’, you know you cannot fail!
If you would like to attend the Heal and Chill retreat and participate in my Workshop: Roadmap to Loving Your Selfie, follow me at Jess Mahogany, and The Spice Rack, on IG to apply and for weekly insights into mental health, healing, living the dream, and powering up!
Remember – Bent, not Broken. And if you need a sidekick to the hero within, I got you – SUBSCRIBE!
Ever seen a dog in distress; perhaps caught up in something that is causing it pain? It’s a big dog, and it is growling the moment it sees you. It needs your help, but it also does not trust you, so it becomes more agitated the more abruptly you begin to walk up to it. Now, it begins to bark and tries to move, tries to get up and warn you to stay away, but this shifts the object that it is caught up in and causes more pain. This makes the dog more aggressive with it’s growling and barking, and you are now just seeing a big angry dog trying to get up and possibly attack. What do you do?
We see videos quite often demonstrating how everyday people tend to instinctively know what to do when helping a distressed animal, some of them even wild. These people are not animal rescuers or wranglers, or vets, or even employees of animal control. Just people who stopped, questioned, and proceeded with caution, often soliciting the help of others who may have been present.
When it comes to people exhibiting signs of trauma and sending out signals of needing help, the result is often not the same. Those who are trained know that many symptoms coincide with different conditions, so it is not wise to make a snap assessment with minimal information. Even to the professional, it is not always clear if a person is in crisis, or if they truly are just having a bad moment they believe they can take out on you. For either scenario, however, would it hurt to try having compassion in that moment considering that their behaviors could be the result of trauma followed by chronic unconscious reaffirming of their negative behaviors?
With trauma or adverse experiences, we can be left with multiple effects including anxiety, anger, resentfulness, unhappiness, and high irritability. It could show up in detachment and withdrawal from others, and fluctuating moods or behaviors. It could even manifest in actions that seem positive due to their output, but are the offspring of avoidance from having to deal with the things that need to be healed within. Those actions might be taking on too many projects or tasks, over-exercising, and constantly putting the needs of others before their own. They are often rewarded for their abilities, performance, work ethic and so forth, and are usually not recognized as candidates of potential risk.
Trauma has been stereotyped to present itself in a way that would be easily recognizable and something others are able to empathize with. Instead, just as we overlook the one with all of the accolades, so do we with those who seem irritable, angry, or attitudinal, which is the focus for this post. Due to the defiant way their trauma presents itself, they often create situations that are met with responses that could invite more trauma. This is both an act of protection as well as a way to receive what they have been made to believe they deserve; the self-fulfilling prophecy. It goes like this:
Person: been neglected consistently since childhood.
Message to self: I am not worthy of love
Person’s actions: pushes people away and/or refuses to let anyone close, preventing them from ever actually having to leave on their own. The person makes sure that others stay at a certain distance or they will create situations to cause a rift. These can be conscious or unconscious actions.
Result: the person does not form or maintain relationships so that they don’t have to risk being neglected by them and/or the theory of being unloved is confirmed.
It can also look like: (this list is NOT exhaustive)
Disrespect to parental figures/elders, as well as over-compliance to these same figures.
Substance abuse/dependence
Engaging in risky behaviors/criminal activity
Having numerous sexual partners
Consistent difficulty in relationships
Low self-esteem/negative self-image
Avoidance of others
Depressed mood or, chronically elevated mood
Chronic pain
Those with a history of adverse experiences, especially those beginning in early childhood, who express their trauma in ways that are not socially acceptable, are further castigated. This reprimand reinforces the trauma but does nothing to help them learn to address it properly. Instead, they are further reminded that they are ultimately worthless.
What usually happens is people will respond to the hurt person with the same energy received from them, even if they know better communication styles. They take what the hurt person has done or said personally and begin to speak the language of the broken. Instead of teaching them a new language, they shut down the people who are at the neophyte level of learning how to expel the trauma, and when they vent in the only way they know how, the in-kind response continues the cycle; feeding right into the tainted mindset of the hurt individual who is subconsciously seeking scenarios that validate how much no one sees, understands, or cares enough for them to ever love their ugly.
One of the more positive ways to be the catalyst for change is to teach, rather than criticize. As stated in this blog post, Fool me once, there is no reason that a person is able to mistreat you continually on the basis that they have experienced substantial trauma. If they are not able to heal without inflicting trauma upon you, they should not be able to pollute your space.
With that being said, as a person with this new information, perhaps it would behoove you to pause when you experience some of the more frowned upon behaviors in an individual. Rather than moving to scold them or dismiss them, try pointing out the behavior and addressing it from a place of love and concern.
The demonstration of what positive stress responses look like coupled with you letting them know that you want to understand more of their story, can of itself be a powerful weapon to enhance the healing process for a person. Often times, they have not been modeled positive expressions of pain, anxiety, fear, or hurt. It is not uncommon for there to be a need to teach this and leading by example is an excellent passive technique.
Next time you see someone react in this way, try a different approach. Try one of compassion and curiosity. With boundaries in place, give them the space and opportunity for change. Understand that this person is still learning a new language and still might get things twisted at times, but shutting them out will not advance their learning.
No, it is not the job of the healed to ALWAYS pause for abuse from others who are still broken. But if you are here, chances are at your core you know you have the ability to birth life into everything, even into she who is already alive.
Question:
Ever seen a girl in distress; perhaps caught up in something that is causing her pain? She’s so far from/almost is/is a big girl, and she is growling the moment she sees you. She could use some help, but she does not trust anyone, so she becomes more agitated the more aggressively you try to tell her how to deal with her pain. Now, she begins to yell, tries to move, tries to get up and warn you to stay away, but even this re-triggers the emotions that she is caught up in and it causes more pain. This makes her look more aggressive when she’s growling and barking, and now all you see is an angry woman disrespecting you. What do you do?
You recognize the growl of fear; the reason she looks as if she wants to bite your head off. You see what even she can’t because she has been trapped out in the open for so long, unable to see beyond the constant dismissal of her dismay. No, you will not allow her to bite you because of her fear, but you also will not throw rocks at her, right? You approach her slowly, speak gently, put a hand out, gesture permission, and allow her to eventually come to the understanding that not everyone is out to hurt her.
I recently wrote a poem that reflects on the struggles that women, namely black women and girls, face when dealing with their adverse experiences (see it here on my IGTV – follow for your MyMahogany Minutes!). The poem focuses on black women specifically, but negative experiences inform the actions of us all in some way. Check it out and leave your comments on it and on the post below.
Has this changed your views in some ways? Have you seen any of these signs of trauma in someone you know? Let’s talk about it. SUBSCRIBE!
This little piggy said they slept in their car all night,
In the middle of a summer storm
And this little piggy cried alll the wayyy… back to them.
Why? This thing called forgiveness, I guess. But there was one thing wrong. I thought that meant, forget…
Someone once asked me, and I am paraphrasing, “do you like to remember the bad things?” My response was, “yes, sometimes”. The reason for that was simple, and the importance of doing so was something that very person reminded me of just days after asking me that question.
Fool Me Once
You have likely heard of the old Italian adage, “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.” It means that if you wrong me once, then shame on you for tricking me. I must now be wary of your ability to do it again, and if you do, then that shame is my fault. Because I was not choosing to be mindful of your trickery, you were able to repeat your offense.
It is due to this proverb that we need to remind ourselves of the “bad things”. Whether or not these things are intrinsically bad, their negative effects are.
I learned that those were things I need to be protected from. I needed to remember the negative qualities of a person so that I could learn how to navigate them or avoid them altogether. It is very easy to romanticize a situation; hype up the positives out of some belief in the nobleness of focusing only on the better parts of a person. But doing so can place us at risk of being unable to accurately assess the fit of the person for us. It also hinders the ability to monitor progress when one claims to be making strides to improve certain behaviors. What are we monitoring if we are denying there are issues to begin with?
Hold Grudges! Who, Me?
I used to say I did not hold grudges but realized one day that it was a lie. I did this by way of letting some people’s actions dictate how I treated others in similar situations. I acknowledged the error in doing this, and in my attempt to correct that error, I told myself that forgiveness meant trying to wash away what people had done to hurt me. I was like Oprah, but with new slates; Everybody got one.
I would say to forgive meant I needed to put all of that stuff behind me. In a way yes, if you choose to forgive you must not hold the weight of faults over the relationship forever; If that’s the case then why forgive? But, to forgive does not mean to forget, and I do believe you owe it to yourself to remember the ability a person has to be a detriment to you in some way, and act accordingly.
Act Accordingly
By act accordingly, I mean, assess the level of hurt inflicted and use sound logic to determine the next step for that individual based on your needs. If you find that this is simply an issue that is not going to change, you now get to decide if the constant discord in this area is causing enough dissatisfaction to end the relationship.
Maybe you decide that this is something that can be adjusted with practice with that individual, and you can safely monitor progress towards better behaviors. Perhaps you decide that as much as you detest the behavior, even without a change it is not a reason for you to let go of the said relationship. Then, maybe this level of discord fits with the plan of your life and you could move forward with a focus on coping mechanisms for yourself.
YOU, then, must decide how to make it more palatable for you. You can still work on supporting the alteration of that person’s behavior if you choose, but understand that at some point you have made the decision to choose a quality that may be one of their “unchanging” traits. In knowing that, you cannot keep screaming dissatisfaction or hurt for a choice you are making. You ALWAYS have the choice to leave.
There is protection in learning what is harmful to your mind, body, and soul. All of them matter.
But, What if…
What if they really are trying? What if this is the time they actually get it right? To that I say, you likely have a sense of when a person is not honoring their words and cannot commit to your well-being as they promise. In most situations, you know when a person is not capable of being respectful to you no matter how much they make you smile. If you truly believe the good outweighs the effects of the pain they put you through, or that this time will be the last time, then, of course, stay. You have chosen your type of drama; the 20 percent we ALL have to decide to live with. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong (unless of course we are speaking of ANY abuse and if so, please refer to the hotline below).
If you like yelling and screaming at people week after week and this is the ‘good life’ for you, live it. But for those of you that are ready to be honest about what you want and deserve, then hear this – remember the bad in even those who mean the world to you. Don’t focus only on the “what if’s” in a person when they keep showing you “what is”. Maya Angelou already said it, “when a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Remember how, although they took great care of you, they almost caused you to lose all you’ve worked so hard for. Remember, how although they made you grin from ear to ear, they also cheated several times. Remember, that although you all began a family together, they were physically abusive every time they were upset. Remember that although their apology seemed sincere, your lesson now is when to respect yourself enough to know that you are worth more than being their experiment on seeing if the lesson has been learned this time. You already know what they had the chance to show and could not produce.
Fooled Me Twice
In the beginning, I said I was having this discussion right before I was fooled twice. That little piggy disappeared for the second time. This was definitely a “shame on me moment” because at that moment I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong, rather than paying attention to the character traits of this person when they were first revealed. This was something THEY did, even after the effects of this behavior was disclosed to them.
In the act of me continuing to engage, I relayed the message that on some level, I have decided that that behavior was OK. If I continued to stick around because “I want to see the good in them”, I can’t keep iterating how this person is fooling me. I now know who they are. I am choosing to look the other way at the expense of my own feelings, needs, desires.
It’s not wise to expect people to learn without communication and trial, but it is up to you to decide how many lessons you provide before you know if they are actually trying, or able, to comprehend. In my opinion, this number is dependent on a few things including the person, the type of relationship, and what we might know about the person at a given time (i.e., are they in rehab or going through some traumatic experience).
But the primary place your decisions lies is in where you value yourself. When you know this, you know that even a person’s trauma is not grounds to inflict and cause trauma within you. If they feel they cannot heal properly without finding an outlet that doesn’t include harming you, then they aren’t ready for you.
So pay attention. Remember. And act accordingly.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Support, resources, and advice for your safety. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
*Please always keep in mind the term relationship is not assigned only to those romantic in nature; these could be familial or friendships as well.
“They hate your brilliance, they hate your beauty, they hate us- but we not gon’ hate ourselves.”- Quote from When They See Us
I’m watching this long awaited show, When They See Us, directed by the masterful and deliberate Ava DuVernay. I am watching like I watch many shows highlighting racism in the world we live in. The racist world that many love to claim no longer exists, you know, since the Obama’s and all. I am saddened, angered, empowered, and even more so now, I am questioning.
I am questioning the character of some white people. Questioning just how much some of them really regard me as human no matter how nice they are to me upon meeting. Questioning how I am supposed to view them when they, who run everything due to financial powers, allow us to keep seeing shows and movies like this year after year, decade after decade, displaying all of the hate, anger, and oppression they have placed upon us. Do you? question it?
Ava DuVernay and The Central Park Five: Raymond Santana, Kevin Richardson, Korey Wise, Antron McCray, and Yusef Salaam
Disclaimer:
When I speak, I like to think I am talking to those with a certain level of understanding. I am not trying to explain this to a five year old or anyone with that limited of ability to comprehend the ways of the world. Therefore, I like to assume I am reaching those who already know that this does not apply to ALL white people.
I hate that I even have to say things like that, but I do because some people like to try to focus on that when it should be understood that most subjects do not apply to all people. It takes the focus and blame off of THAT person, as well as silence those trying to shine light on the issues they are experiencing.
Furthermore, just because it doesn’t apply to all, does not mean we can’t account for the rest. Here, we are talking about a majority and the majority of white people, are broken; At least according to an article I read earlier today by Katherine Fugate titled, White People are Broken. See it here
She wrote so well regarding the role that white people play in oppression and why they cannot ever understand the plight of the black person, that I raved about it. She stated that there has been too many incidents in which white people put themselves before the dangerous, literally life threatening struggles that black people face in the world. What she also said that I am now strongly considering while watching this show, is that white people are broken. They are broken, and because of that, they can be fixed. I would also like to note that this author, is white.
With all that I have to say about this show and the subject of racism in general, today I want to focus on ONE question; how? How are white people broken? This is not to say they aren’t, but for those who say they are, I would like to know your reasons on why or how? What happened?
When They See Us
This show is the most recent in a slew of programs that those in “power” had to have allowed to be shown. Some call it progress, but I call it a form of damage control. The more damage you can place upon a group of people, the more you can control them. Then they re-traumatize us with this fetish they enjoy of seeing the brutality they impose upon us played out as reminders of their role in this world, and of ours. I will explain more on this later in the series of discussions on race relations, but this show reminds me of their primary role in our damage.
No one denies the racism of the world when they show up to watch history repeat itself right in their living rooms. Still, people pronounce that these things we film, based on true stories and played by willing white people, are not true. They proclaim racism either does not exist, or that black people somehow force white people to be brutal to black people, children included, through behaviors that are without merit and also exhibited by other races. Still, the examples of brutality are far more present with the black race than any other.
History is Now
This show reminds me of the Emmett Till story that Katherine brought up in her article. It reminds me of the countless black people, primarily males, falsely imprisoned for crimes ranging from trivial to receiving the death penalty, as in the case of George Stinney, another 14 year old child executed for an “unfair” trial in 1944, but whose judgment was graciously vacated in 2014. Seventy years later when, even if they hadn’t killed him, he would have died in prison; but, how sweet of them, right?
It is tough, being a person who knows better than to think that all white people are like this, but also battling with the ease of ability many of them, also primarily male, have with taking their hate out on kids. Aside from being disheartening, it is still a testament of character and is all the reason we need to be distrustful. However people still seem to think that we must always forgive and regard them with unquestioning trust.
But I will not.
No, I Got Questions
If there isn’t anything else I can do in this world, I can speak. I can ask questions. I can challenge you; I can learn. I can also give them an opportunity to change the dominant narrative in my mind. If what Katherine said is true, that white people are broken, then I have no issues with allowing them to tell me what is wrong and allow for an opportunity to be fixed; to be healed.
But I must first know, how are they broken? If Katherine or anyone else can answer this I would greatly appreciate the feedback. In this short post alone I have named several incidences, many found in one show that can outline how black people have been broken. I can pull up any history book, movie, heck there are even cartoons out there that gives nod to the damage inflicted upon black people physically and especially mentally that would lead them to be broken.
But what are those examples for white people? Who broke them? As much as there is an outcry of mental health issues when white people commit mass murders; As much as there is outcry on the absence of fathers in the homes of the angry white people who are somehow able to have enough privacy under roofs they pay no mortgage on to build bombs; As much as we are able to make movies on the thug mentality that is supposedly predisposed in black people, or movies that seem to remind black people of their place in society, why are there no shows like this that illustrate how white people initially became damaged or “broken”?
I would think that those who control the majority power in the world and therefore much of what we are able to see, including the lies that have been told on far too many innocent people for far too long, would be able to show how they have been damaged?
The damage that I can think of is self imposed. I imagine that as a human being you cannot forego the effects of the trauma one imposes on another. I cannot kill you and have no conscience about it, unless I truly have no conscience. So if I do, yes, my actions will haunt me; very likely damage me. And if a white person can claim to be broken by generational damage, I would have to know what one thinks of those that the damage is being done to?
Katherine does mention that perhaps generational pain has been passed down to them from their ancestors, but who started that? If currently they are broken as a result of their ancestors actions, what were their ancestors – broken too? And if so, how?
Who dropped them, threw them, raped them, fed their babies to gators, chained them together, stole their kids, burned them alive, took their homes, took their names, took their identity, branded them, invaded their nations, took their language, threw them over ships, sewed their mouths together, beat them, imprisoned them without even caring that the real person they are looking for is still out there…. Who?
The Central Park Five
How many times were they found guilty even though the Judge and jury knew they weren’t? How many times have they talked about it after the fact, as with Trayvon Martin, saying they as a juror knew they should have convicted the suspect? How many times have they sat before a judge that said they were guilty before they even stepped foot in the courtroom. How many times have they dealt with things even as seemingly minor as microaggressions? How did they feel when there was a law passed saying they could wear their hair the way it naturally grows out of your head? Oh wait, it didn’t happen. And for the things that did happen to some, the scale will never be balanced. Not even with years of change or, equality at last.
So, if white people broken, when did that start? Was it before they invaded peoples land, brutalized them for no reason whatsoever, claimed things that were not theirs and stripped them of their identity? Was it before they fabricated weapons for war but then used them to take what was never theirs from people absolutely minding their own business over here? I’m just saying, for those who wrote the history books, these are the stories they told. Even in present day they are trying to change the history from calling us slaves to “workers who were mostly happy”; still flexing their power to dictate the narrative and yet, still can’t seem to show the origination of this brokenness that plagues them.
I can see clearly how it has been inflicted on others, but I need more information on who broke them. To some it could seem like another excuse to be less than human, same as they do when they yell mental health for incidences other races can’t yell mental health for, despite many of the diagnosis provided coming from the experimentation of the black race. We already knew that the white kid was going to be affected by the lack of a father in the home when it became the goal to remove the black man from black families. We see that affect all the time. The difference is, black people still don’t get to use that same excuse, no matter how valid. Black people cant commit mass murder and be taken in alive time, and time, and time, and time again; can they?
We don’t get those same liberties despite often living in worse conditions. We are scared to have autistic kids despite not being able to control that, because we know that those suppose to protect them are are scarce. We know that even the actions of those in our community’s mentally ill population will be judged first by the color of their skin without regard for anything else that could be going on with them. So whatever accounts anyone has on why white people are broken and when that began for them, I am all ears?
There are Answers
As Fugate mentioned, Black people have answers as to whether or not there is racism, oppression, or resistance in this world, and different steps that can be taken to change it. Part of it, as the author’s friend mentioned, could simply be being a witness. I would like to add, be a witness willing to document and stand up for the injustices you see. The other part is to be able to face your actions head on and then maybe this brokenness that is spoken of can be healed.
But healing starts with you. For anyone, no matter who inflicts the pain, the responsibility of healing is solely yours. It can start with simple actions such as writing articles just as the one she did highlighting the problems. Despite me having questions, I think Fugate’s words should be shared a million times over. But in saying that, know that growth doesn’t come without challenge(s). So if being fixed is the goal, then we need to know what needs to be repaired. So again, how did they become broken?
If you haven’t already be sure to check out When They See Us on Netflix, and also check out part 1 of the interview I held discussing POC and the resistance that we face in America, here. I know these are touchy subjects, but that can’t change if we are afraid to address them.
You don’t fight racism with racism, the best way to fight racism is with Solidarity! get your Blackprint Tee from https://blackprintcollection.com/
Do you have any other solutions, ideas, or feedback? Let me know below. And as always, let’s Power UP!
“For every time, I made you cry. I wanna make, your whole, body smile…” – Lyrics from Body Smile, by DVSN.
You know when you are listening to that song you wish you never introduced them to, and you want to turn it off because it almost hurts to hear. You are reminded again of the power of music. The power to make you realize love in you for the very person that has caused that song to bring you pain. The person that said they loved you.
But you keep listening to that song, thinking of how you have been here before. Transported through music to a time of bad memories. Memories that make you forget the good in what you have now; the good in all you introduced to that person, including this song, who they are now negatively attached to. You listen anyway. Knowing you will get back to the moment when that song was just your jam and not another reminder of disappointment.
But, I love you
Most people are confused and conflicted when it comes to love, and they will tell you they love you before they even know if they can back that up. This is about taking back your song. About holding on to your truth despite those entering your life that are still juggling with theirs. One thing about music is when it hits, you can feel pain, depending on the attachments the lyrics might have to a source of your pain. But truth is, that song hit in a way that their disappointment never can. And you realize, they missed out. And you; You learned another valuable lesson.
Be careful when people say they love you.
People will say they love you, while denying you the ability to speak to them when something is not to their liking. People will say they love you, and call you out your name. People will say they love you, today, and will block you tomorrow over one incident. People, will say they love you, and because those words were not reciprocated at the same time, will cease building a relationship with you. They will say they love you, and try to prohibit your friendships or outings. They will say they love you, and expect your actions to be all about coddling their insecurities and tending to the pain inflicted by others.
Silly rabbits, Here’s a carrot: love, is freeing.
However it should be defined between those in relationship with each other, at its core, it should be freeing. You should be able to expand each other rather than attempt to confine. Love should not be conditioned upon your need to compromise your truth, safety, or identity in any way that is not beneficial to each party involved, primarily you. Love is not hasty, for it has no need to be. It is patient and feels no need to rush, force, or pressure others into decisions regarding its need for confirmation.
When it comes to love,many believe it to be a thing of ideals. They have misconceptions of what that should look like, impose those misconceptions onto you, and then rescind their love when their ego and fantasy has been deflated. These people will instantly treat you rudely, ignore calls, and take action to cause you hurt in some way. This is not love. If I care about you, even just a little, I can not have an instantaneous shut down button at every sign of discord. Even if this is a result of negative relationships, socialization, and communication patterns, choosing not to address and fix them, yet expecting a non deserving partner to just “work with you”, is not acting from a place of love.
For all the Wrong Reasons
I am not saying stay with people at all cost. I will be the FIRST to say no to that. There are numerous situations that require walking away and protecting your heart, and if you are ever concerned that you might be in one of those situations then reach out, talk to a professional, or leave a comment and we can discuss it.
But this is regarding those specific situations where people use the word love because of how poetic it still is despite its abuse and bad reputation. Despite that fact that people still aren’t really sure what it means and how to display it, they will say it. They will say it irresponsibly, prematurely, strategically, desperately; sometimes just because it’s what they need to hear themselves.
They say it to you, and you may think you feel the same; hell, you may ACTUALLY feel the same. But you also take that word seriously. You don’t want to use this word prematurely when you could be mistaking these emotions for a number of different things including lust or infatuation. You don’t want to use this word irresponsibly due to the hero’s syndrome (ask me). You don’t want to use this word strategically, which is automatically disingenuous but only you know this, and not the person hearing you utter this word. And you don’t want to use it desperately or out of fear you will lose this person. Out of fear you can’t find another. Out of fear you are unworthy.
When, What, How
You instead want to use it when the word just seem to escape. When there has been moments of wanting to, but knowing the power of that word, you held on for certainty. You held on knowing that it meant it was from the depths of you, so when you said it, it was all you needed. You needed to speak that truth as much as you needed to breath, and it did not matter what happened after, as long as you were able to come up for air. As long as you were able to be free.
Realizing you love someone is not simultaneous with them needing to love you back in that same moment; nor does it coincide with sudden ownership or dictation of their actions and speed to which you need them to move. Because remember, you claim to have fallen in love with them as they were in the moments leading up to your knowledge of that. You loved them without knowing if they loved you back. You loved them without deciding who they should hang out with, without disrespecting them or endangering their lives and those of their families. You loved them until the moment you said it and then fear, not love, began to drive you. That became the way in which you began to move.
Love is shown more through action that the word could ever convey. It is more difficult to confuse action over words. I can say I love you, but I show you through my patience when communicating, through my attempts to reach you in many ways and not just in the language I know. I show through my forgiveness of your shortcomings and flaws, and give the grace I expect and deserve when I am not 100 percent, when I mess up, get out of line, or do something to hurt you.
I will show by keeping promises and respecting you even through disagreement. I will be concerned for your safety, and never deny an opportunity to express your emotions or feelings of hurt with me. To love means, I cannot have disregard for your emotions because mine are being affected. It means I learn how to tend to them both.
Play. That. Shit!
The song plays again, now nearing its days of becoming a throwback, and you realize that them leaving your life when they did was a blessing. You were right there. Right on that threshold of work functions and cocktail dresses; all access to the house; contemplating the locksmith for new keys to your heart. And they left before you had to decide to make a new set for their entry. If it were a bullet, you dodged it. You were right at the point of changing “I” to “we”, of forgiving, of forgiving again, of going against your word, of putting your kids in danger, of putting your family in danger, of re-inviting toxicity, of endangering your peace, of missing…your song.
This song is now what is was before, but better. You smile knowing you overcame the urge to archive it, and instead created new meaning in its lyrics. There is defiance in disallowing a negative memory to destroy sources that make you happy. Reclaim that mood; let that be a reminder that if it was really love, this is a song you two would be enjoying together. But instead, it’s all yours. Back to being the jam you always turn up; that always makes your heart smile, your soul smile, your whole body smile.
Play that shit.
“…Sometimes it better when you yell than when you say nothing. But you’re getting tired, of explaining everything that you need, it’s more water, less stress, more sex, more carefree. Don’t wanna hurt no more, not over me, cause, I’m not worth it and, this ain’t working and, running out of words again…” – Body smile, DVSN.
What song have you ceased listening to all because of the lies people tell on love? Leave a comment, and then, play that shit! XOXO – J.Mahogany
Memes are very popular in the world of social media. As a society we are inundated with memes regularly. For most of us, just minimal time spent on any form of social media will present contact with a meme based on what/who we follow, like, etc. I notice many of the memes on my threads are related to self improvement and growth. I want to make sure that it is understood; these memes are achievable.
This sounds like a duh statement, but in reality, not so much. In reality, most people lack or feel they lack the life they seek from these memes. They post with the hope of it someday, somehow being their life. That “new year, new me” mentality, getting all hype on the idea that, this year, will be my year. But while they post, and create threads that are basically online vision boards, they are forgetting that very statement. The memes are achievable.
Instead, many are looking at these memes as something like the lotto. They may get lucky, and change may fall into their lap. Suddenly they are going to run into that better man or woman. Suddenly they are going to lose that weight and start to eat better. Suddenly they will be a boss at managing their finances. The mistake here is not actually looking at some of these memes as a goal, but rather a wish.
Here are some examples:
How to live this meme? Well, I’d rather task you to think about some things. For the relationship you imagine it seems as if this is a mature person with stability, who does not have outside drama coming into the relationship, and places family first. In order to have this, who must you be, and who must the person you are wanting to be with, be? You want this, but you still give time to your ex that is not necessary. You are scared to take time to yourself to get to know who you are and what actually drives and fills you up. You haven’t felt as if you deserved better than the person you are messing with.
If you aren’t with someone, are you being selective enough? You want this, but you haven’t gotten comfortable enough with yourself to be able to say no to the riff raff long enough. You want this, but during your down time you do not work on increasing your financial knowledge. You want this, but you don’t want to invest in time or money for education or even your own business plan. You want this, but still try to keep up with the joneses. You want this, but allow this person you are with to remain jobless more than 6 months without even trying to go to a day labor place. You want this, but you don’t have a plan to get there; you choose the things that are not getting to your goal and you do know it. If you do have a plan, you are not consistent in the steps to get there. If you feel you have the ability to prolong your own progress then you should at least find ways to cope with your discomfort while accepting that these desires are not priorities, because many of them are more in reach that you think.
How do you live this life? You can start by looking at why you could be happy with where you currently are in life. You have blessing right here in front of you, some you asked for just a few years ago. Remember, one day you couldn’t wait to be where you are right now. How are you living the life you thought about back then. If you want to be happy where you are in life then, you need to learn to be happy with where you are in life. Yep, I wrote that right.
If you want to be happy, take a good look at what is not making you happy and start the steps to change it, and while doing that, be happy about the things that are going right, right now. Be happy with the things that you DO HAVE. The happier you are with them, the easier it will be to work on changing the things you do not like, and attract the things you do like. If you are waiting to obtain something else in order to be happy, then you will attract more of that…”waiting to obtain something” to make you happy.
With you, as soon as you get what you thought was going to make you happy you will learn that there are downsides to whatever that thing is. You will then want to focus on changing those downsides so much, thinking that improving those things will for sure bring the happiness. And you will then get what you have been working for, only for the cycle to continue.
NO! You must learn to be happy at every stage. This is not to say you shouldn’t feel disappointment or desire improvement; you can’t really help that. But those are simply signals to alert you to the need for changes or enhancements, and to the area of the body, mind, spirit that now needs tending to. While that part is under construction, you must learn to celebrate where you are now, or you negatively affect the energy and esteem needed to push for better.
You want that skin to glow and to love your new place? Do you know how much of that can change in a month if you decided you were worth it, and not waiting on some phenomenon to come along and make it happen? You can start right now deciding to replace chips with fruit and soda or juice with more water. You can start with appreciating the place you have now, even if you are just renting a room.
That room is a space to practice gratitude with, being thankful for having a place with a roof. That is a place to learn to be happy so you can truly appreciate the house that is coming to you. That is a place to learn decorating skills by working to make the most of your space. When you do upgrade, you are less likely to be out here trying to keep up with the joneses, still wishing to live like the meme you posted. You need to ask yourself, what thought about me do I need to change that will change my actions? What do I need to change to increase the chance o having what I want and becoming who I want to be.
Because we know it can happen. It’s so funny; we listen to stories of those that have done what we want to do and they started out just like ours. Some with more, or less, advantage. But they were in their car, living room, work elevator, midst of an argument, wherever, when they decided that they were the priority; and that by most means necessary, they were going to make it happen. They were going to make eating right the priority. They will not post about those meal preppers that discuss how tired they were when they prepped, they will Be the person posting about how tired they were. They will not post someone’s weight loss success picture, 20 lbs later in 3 months, but it will be their picture they were posting.
And that meant that behind the scenes of the pictures they are posting, there was action. They gave up certain things you think you can’t give up. They sacrificed going out as much and made sure they paid themselves first in savings or investments before spending money elsewhere. They committed to something that was not a part of their regular routine. If you keep following that regular routine, you will get the same thing. So, one thing, Just one thing is all that you need ask of yourself. Commit to that and see how capable you are of living this meme.
Imaging living this meme and doing some of the things to help get you there. Like, imagine knowing that you were able to hold out for the right one. Imagine, that you were so secure with your self worth you were more proud to say you were single than still messing with people who treated you wrong. Imagine, being so secure in letting people go that did not reciprocate, and sending messages to the universe that you are not here to play and are ready for those that come with the real. Imagine, having spent time away from all relationships to heal, think about what you have to offer, and only entertain those that operated on that level.
Imagine being so healed from the negative that you knew how to handle your insecurities in a relationship and you were able to recognize the signs of toxicity early on. Imagine seeing those signs and being comfortable leaving at first sight instead of being scared of being alone again or having people question your decisions. If you can imagine, you might then wonder what you have to do to get there. It’s as mentioned before, learn to love yourself enough to say no to what is not adding to your life. You have enough on your growth list to work on that you do not need to add convincing people of your value and need to treat you right.
Get comfortable with the fact that everyone who has something in common with you, who is cute, who winks at you, who is persistent in the dM’s and all of that, is not necessarily for you. When you aren’t rushed or pressed for love, you are able to sit back and make more calculated decisions because you aren’t wide eyed and geeked for the first person who comes along spitting promises they won’t be able to keep longer than 3 months.
Imagine being loved the way you love and being able to recognize it and accept it. Imagine knowing that you were worth it and didn’t have to sabotage it for fear of it not working out. Imagine knowing that you are worthy either way, so you can walk through that relationship in confidence; making decisions with logic over emotion. Imagine what that takes? I can tell you it’s more than a prayer and saying God did it. Faith without works is dead and God is within. So, what actions are you taking to be the person able to recognize proper love? And what are your barriers?
Are you still forgiving things that are a sign of abuse, or walking away understanding your worth? Are you still blaming yourself for everything and refusing to forgive yourself for mistakes? Conversely, are you unable to take responsibility for your actions and role in any situation? Part of loving yourself is not only knowing your worth and value, but knowing that you are still susceptible to mistakes and are able to own up to them. Not doing this prevents growth, and isn’t that the whole message?
Live this meme by asking yourself, what do you need to balance making yourself the priority while cultivating the relationships you would like to have. There are so many barriers to becoming the person you want to be and achieving your goals that you may or may not be aware of. Some of them are as simple as the time spent with friends or on netflix. Others may be time we are unnecessarily dedicating to work or social media. We throw ourselves into these other tasks as escapes or even rewards, while spitting the same gripe each and every year. In order for whatever it is you want to change to change, only you can do it, but you actually have to CHOOSE to.
This shit is so hard to write because honestly, I struggle with this. I struggle with knowing that I choose to spend time I could put to fitness goals into other tasks and I know it. For the most part, I get things done when it comes to business needs. But when it comes to wanting to write more and especially be more active, I know that I have not allocated my time well enough to accomplish these things. So it’s almost like, what am I griping for? What am I looking for when I say how much I wish something could happen, when it can actually happen? And I ask you that same question. What are you looking for when you say again this year that you want to accomplish something that you have chosen not to allocate time to consistently?…..
So with this one, live it by actually choosing yourself first. Just like you schedule that watch party for that show or that client callback that you just can’t miss; schedule that time to work out. Schedule that time to work on your book (or blog, wink). Take time to research additional streams of income to help reach your goals. Say no to things that interfere with the time set aside for yourself (within reason), because you’re life is the first business over anything else. Others will take you only as seriously as you do. Take time for therapy. Take time to meditate, cry, regroup. Be all about you on a regular basis just as much as you are about others.
Schedule, you. Without kids if you have them, without family, without friends, without obligations, and focus on yourself with a purpose. The person you want to be didnt get there by just posting memes on social media. She began limiting her time there and giving it to herself to accomplish her goals, maybe even quicker than 10 years.
But it starts with a shift in mindset followed by immediate and consistent action. It also takes loving yourself enough to know that no matter you circumstances, you can have that meme-able life. You can wake up 10 years from now not only next to someone you love, and with the financial stability you once thought about; with improved credit; with glowing skin; You can Netflix and chill married style. But how, when you aren’t loving and appreciating yourself in that way now; how, sway?
Having that life 10 years from now means that today you have to start a completely new routine and work on changing that mindset. It means you have to understand you have to let a lot of things go about your past and present in order to have that ideal future. That means you need to face your fears now, whatever they may be, so that you are not prolonging that process. This life is a journey, and although it will be nice to wake up to a better relationship after 10 years of the same thing; to your job surprising you with a huge raise and bonus with your mediocre effort; or to tearing the covers off to a six-pack and bigger butt without any diet or exercise changes, you won’t.
You will have to let go of the toxic friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, and even family. You will have to get comfortable, with being alone and learning who you are as this will likely be one of the best avenues to your success. For many people who don’t progress in certain areas of their lives, the cause is rooted in fear. Depending on the situation, that fear could be due to many things, including simple lack of knowledge. To access this information and to release ourselves from any ties that bind, you must feel that you are worth it.
When you know that you are, you will begin to act accordingly. I for one, can’t wait to see the glow up. Take your inspirational goals meme, post it up, and ask yourself what you will need to do to accomplish the first bullet point. Think small and basic needs first, and then you can build. If you need help with more actionable steps for your goals, feel free to reach out for coaching package information and we can create a plan based on your unique needs!
Whew that was a long one. I will work on that, maybe, lol!
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So happy, yeah! Only you, can make you happy! Ayee – do y’all remember that song By Surface? That is the tune I was singing when I titled this message. See the song here:
Only You can Make Me Happy – Surface get your jam on, then get your read on.
I was inspired to write this after two recent conversations I had. As often as we can two of my friends and I get together for dinner and drinks. We catch up and shoot the shit on different issues, but all about what’s happening in our lives. The last time we met up we were on our third bottle of wine when I made the comment that, no one else can make me happy.
One of my friend IMMEDIATELY cut me off without allowing me to finish my thought, saying I was wrong because a person can make you happy. She feels this way because the person she is with makes her happy. Well, she says that person makes her happy, but I would like to say that person may be adding to her happiness. And adding to one’s happiness is what anyone we are with should do. But that is not the happiness I speak of; That is not internal happiness.
If a person is the only reason you are happy, then you AREN’T happy.
A person can leave at any time and for a number of reasons, and what will happen then if it were THAT PERSON making you happy? The divorce rate, separations, and insane rates of infidelity is proof enough that a person is not what makes you happy. And if they are what makes you happy in a moment, trust they will not KEEP you happy. That person can, and surely will, do something to make you re-think that whole “you make me happy” statement.
So, when speaking to my friends, there was a primary thought that came to mind. It was thinking of all those people who are in some ways “damaged”, and do not even realize it. I don’t use damaged as a horrible word, but to refer to the things in life that tear away at us. These things can be healed, fixed, mended, or whatever word makes you feel better. When the damage comes from relationships, many people start to blame others for their lack of ability to stay happy. They look for the next relationship to “fix it and make it all better”.
The problem here is that now, it is someone else’s responsibility to be your healer and make you happy, and it can also possibly lead to self sabotage. Both of these scenarios can lead to the dismissal of that very person who was supposed to make you happy.
How, you ask?
Well for one, there is a lot of pressure on a person when they think they need to be the one to make you happy. That comes with a lot of demand whether you believe it or not. It also implies that you are incapable of being the source of your own happiness and need someone else to do it. Saying a person makes you happy is so dangerous because as previously mentioned, no other person is a guarantee in your life.
If this person cannot keep up with the standards of making you happy, they will bail, or you will soon become unhappy again, because you are not doing the work you should have been doing for yourself to begin with; Making yourself happy, and letting others add to it. Perhaps then, you will be the one leaving, and ultimately hurting the person who went to the moon and back to try to keep you happy.
The other scenario is when you have unresolved issues within yourself, whether they are known or unknown, and refuse to look at them. You may not even be able to recognize when you should be happy with someone because there will always be a problem. The things that were making you unhappy before they came along, will soon resurface when that honeymoon phase is over, and you will be looking to blame them; never paying attention to what you really need to fix.
No matter what your partner does right, you will soon be trying to find fault in them. Why? Because to you, it has to be something THEY are doing that is no longer making you happy. This happens far more often than we could imagine. People sabotage themselves and lose perfectly good relationships because they haven’t dealt with their own “stuff”.
Check your demons at the door!
If you are not dealing with your own demons, you cannot properly assess who is adding value to the innate happiness in your life, or who is making you happy for a moment. Moments can last a while, so don’t be fooled. I see and hear stories EVERY DAMN DAY about people who were relying on others to “make” them happy. They will soon admit that, after years of denial or pretending, there was something they were disconnected from. They sought healing through other people; sought to fill voids that were missing. They thought filling those voids with other people would be the cure to their happiness.
And then one day, that person could no longer fill that void, because it was never theirs to fill. Now you are deciding to leave this person, and possibly have your eyes on another, to mend something no one but YOU will be able to fix.
Yes, people can have an affect on your current level of happiness. Your choice in social interactions can affect your happy state. They can alter how you feel for the better or worse; long term or short term. But it is the choosing of certain connections;the reason for your choosing of these connections, good or bad, that has everything to do with you. And if something is keeping you from choosing people that are affecting your energy wisely, then you of course will be choosing those that detract from the happiness you seek. And this is still on You.
Also, know that it’s not always enough to choose people that seem happy to be around. If you are not working on your own happiness, then someone can be the best thing smoking and you will still find yourself waking up miserable; because you are internally miserable.
So, get happy with yourself first, and look for those who will add to that. Who can bring more value to that? The greatest thing about knowing for sure if your happiness is from within, is that you are no prisoner to certain situation that may be toxic to you. You now know that you will be just fine should you have to be without this person, but you are also more likely to practice patience and have empathy for those you are in relationship with. Happy people, have time for the times when things are not always…well, happy!
Another plus is being less likely to go from relationship to relationship because you are always finding fault in others, rather than looking within. Sure there will be times when people are detractors and should be dismissed, but if you have not dealt with your internal discord, you are less likely to know for sure when this is happening.
So sing with me… Only You, can make you happy! happy!
Before you go – check out this cute sweater from Burlington’s I think it’s dope – what about you? So fresh and clean…and comfortable.. and now you can be cute while grabbing groceries. That makes me happy. Out here fashionably inspiring others to find that power within. I just love it! And I love you.
Queen Logo sweater from Burlington’s
Til next time – hang with me on instagram where I show more of the fashion, life, and inspiration tidbits.
“If my wife does not want me communicating with certain women, for whatever reason, I’ll respect her feelings and cut ties asap”. This is a paraphrased excerpt of a post I saw on Instagram. The original post goes on to say that it is just out of respect. “If your spouse is uncomfortable with someone for ANY REASON, that person should now be automatically cut off.
He does go on to say that if his wife expresses good reason why that person is not good for their relationship, he will respect that. While this is a good thing, he steps on the “for whatever reason” statement, on the post.
There were a number of people, mainly women, who agreed with it. As I stated, I think that the way he would like to respect his wife is exemplary. But there were some that found issue with the statement; and those arguments were some I could also agree to as well.
I wanted to comment on the post and in fact I did, but then ran out of word count while feeling like I was only midway through my thought. So I decided to bring my tendency to be long winded or, as I’d like to re-frame – thorough, here.
What one person in objection stated was (paraphrasing) “a husband is called to lead and therefore should be asking questions before deciding on an appropriate action…it is unwise to not attempt to understand why his wife feels uncomfortable and to address the underlying issues”, if there should be any, of course.
He said, what he said!
I felt as though he was stating that with a good and legitimate reason the husband should comply. While this statement does question “who decides the reason that will be good enough to comply with the request?”, I do see validity in wanting to further investigate and understand the reasons why.
The process for going about this would be situational, uniquely based on the couple in question; but there are some things to think about if this issue were to ever present itself to you.
There were so many people seemingly against the person commenting that a reason would be needed. But he stood his ground, as he should have, since it was just as solid a stance as the one in which the husband should comply; without questioning, I might add. There are some cases in which compliance should come without question. But there are others in which there certainly should be questions. In the cases that warrants questions, I think both parties should have questions.
I began to state something along the lines of “I appreciated this thread of comments and it seems everyone is right, lol. While it is a great sign of respect and assures the priority is to make his wife is comfortable with his friendships, we want to be careful with enabling the need for conditions to be met just for her to be OK. This act without questioning could be disallowing the possibility for those underlying issues to be address.
Those underlying issues he (lets call him the DA, for Devil’s Advocate) spoke of were insecurity or lack of faith in her partners ability to remain faithful, and etc. In your response to DA (stated to the OP, Original poster) when you said “ a woman who loves you isn’t going to just walk around objecting to you being around other women [unless there are other issues]”, confirms that these other issues he speaks of addressing, are valid. We DO have to be aware of what those other underlying issues are.
Not that it should be a condition of respecting her wishes. But it is for the benefit of her as well to be able to address this discomfort (provided it isn’t one of those cases that go without question; and I think we can guess what some of those might be; again, situational). If it isn’t, then perhaps having the discussion about it is not only wise, but beneficial to the growth and healing of your spouse.
One cannot build defenses and learn how to control and alter unhealthy behavior if they are shielded from doing so. I can’t build confidence if I continue to avoid situations that test me in that way.
But change does not happen overnight, right. It might be a challenge just for your spouse to think their wish for you to cease communication with someone else actually SHOULD be questioned. They may have no desire to even consider that their feelings could be altered with some introspection.
Am I supposed to cease communication with this person in the meantime?
That was one of the questions asked on the post. I am not sure what DA said to that, if anything. I do think that it is worth exploring those grounds with your spouse. It is valid to be uncomfortable or not feel right about a person; but you should be able to have a conversation about importance of exploring that.
Not only that, but also explain why that particular friendships is one you might want to cultivate. There is nothing wrong with wanting or needing certain people in your social/networking circle. But being cut off from people because your spouse hasn’t dealt with aspects of their own life, is not healthy. Hopefully no one is putting their partner through that with no reason, but for some, they may not be aware.
When it is clear that there is no danger to the marriage, why would we fail to address the need for severance of relationships with certain people?
You know them, have heard of them, or have been them. That person who was going through a major divorce and life transition. There were people that they probably could have called on. Some who would have been there, still, and some would not. But they did not even feel as though they could reach out; So they didn’t.
They don’t even quite remember when it started. That moment when they started seeing their friends and nurturing work relationships less and less, because little nuances began to sneak into the relationship. There began a pattern of being guarded because “suddenly”, they have this unwritten rule on the type of friends they are able to have that they must follow.
There are plenty of natural reasons for this, obviously. In regards to this topic, there are cases when someone began controlling the lives of their spouse for the sake of their comfort and security.
Even though their spouse obliged time and again, they still would not address the need for their partner to distance themselves from certain people. Despite proving to be committed, they have limited their social connections/support, which has adverse effects on the individual and consequently, the relationship.
Still ending up with the very thing you were trying to avoid!
This is how a lot of these stories began; With someone saying simply because I said so, you should not be around them. A mature spouse will want to have that conversation with you about the significance and importance for both of you to have a social life outside of one another. A healthy individual will also want to make sure they are addressing skewed ideals and expectations.
There absolutely WILL and SHOULD be people in which a tight, thick, and high barrier should be placed between them and your marriage. But what I felt the person in the post was objecting to was that it shouldn’t be for “whatever reason”. Many of the “whatever reasons” people will have will be rooted in where their security or confidence lies.
We should eliminate the need to control our partner’s relationships solely as the lifeline for our healing. If these things are not addressed, a person would always be needing their spouse to do something for them in order to get that sense of release, comfort or satisfaction. In order to feel loved or even secure, your partner must not interact with this person who hasn’t done or even presented any indication they would do something that would create a threat.
There are real threats out there to marriages, but some people just want to be sure they aren’t alienating people simply because there is a possibility that their spouse may think “they are too cute” or some other silly reason (and DON’T FRONT LIKE THIS ISN’T REAL, please)…but they don’t want to give their spouse that reason, so they say “It’s just something about them”.
We cannot pretend like this is not just as real as the legitimate concerns people will have and let’s face it, I would not want to be that intimidated by another person.
“But I have intuitions or bad feelings about this person, and I am usually right about them”.
I hear that a lot and actually believe this to be true for many, including myself. But if I can remember even a few times I was a little off about my judgment of someone, then that is enough for me to know a situation deserves proper assessment before making final decisions.
If I were to feel uncomfortable about a particular person my spouse was friends with, I do ask myself why. Have I heard or seen something? What do I feel this person triggered in me? Do I feel a sense of insecurity or jealousy in some arena (and you don’t have to admit this to others, but please be honest with yourself. It’s crucial, and this is all normal)?
You can still heal and work on these things without necessarily telling anyone that this is what is making your uncomfortable, but in terms of a healthy marriage, you should be able to honestly inform your spouse of these things. Is there some concern about your partners ability to stay faithful and where does it stem from?
You may share these reasons or have others, but once you uncover them, challenge them.
To piggyback on moments when my judgment was not always correct, I know that I too have been wrongfully judged. This was happening to me from “adults” whom you’d think would be able to make their own decisions about others. Instead they were making decisions based on the assumptions of others.
They may have had their reasons; but when you don’t know anything about a person, you are basing your like or dislike on distant perception. Perception is shaped largely by experiences, and they do not transfer and/or hold true from person to person. Refusing to challenge that leaves opportunity to miss out on so much.
You shouldn’t be afraid to ask yourself, what proof do I have? What reasons can I provide that says perhaps there is NO cause to be concerned? Challenge yourself to understand that you won’t get closer to being secure ONLY by prohibiting your spouse from certain people. Furthermore, a great way to learn to trust someone, is to just trust them. To show confidence is to proceed confidently, through the fear. Ask yourself, do I want to feel like I am intimidated by someone else? What does that say about me?
Perhaps it is not intimidation or insecurity or even the concern of your partners ability to be faithful. If not, it is still not in good practice to readily write people off without warrant. It has been a long time since I have been in the business of trying to prohibit activities from those I am in a relationship with. There is only one way to make sure those in the relationship stay faithful and that is for them to take those actions, equally.
Without being open to looking at the emotions a person stirs up inside of you, you may not be able to address the biases or experiences that make you view this person differently than your spouse does. Now, someone your spouse may have seen as a good person; a source of social support, they have to dismiss for sentiments they do not share. They must sacrifice their own sense of self and voice in the relationship, for the sake of your “security”.
It’s OK to seek clarity for yourself, and for the sake of others
This essentially says that your spouse doesn’t know how to discern when someone is being a threat to your relationship; so they must leave it up to you to make those determinations. Furthermore, if they do notice that this person is a threat, you feel they will not act accordingly to protect your marriage.
The day I come to my spouse to say I want them to stop being friends with someone, I would hope to have a good reason; A reason that I think they would be able to understand and respect. I would also want to be able to discuss the importance of this person or persons in their life. It is a back and forth conversation (because we marry partners, not children). As much as I want to be comfortable and free in my relationship, I also want that for the person I am with.
DO NOT GET ME WRONG.
If at the end of the day I feel completely bad about this person and still can’t find anything that really seems legit, I DO think my spouse should show respect and sever that friendship. This post is never to negate the respect that should be shown for the partners we have chosen, and that includes their levels of discomfort. But there are some discomforts we can grow from, and never having to address them does not allow for that.
So even though I may not have an actual reason, trust I will bring to the conversation all of my discomforting thoughts ABOUT THAT PERSON IN QUESTION (not someone she reminds me of although I know nothing about her; definitely explore that – GO, Be Dora!). What makes me say, They are a HARD NO. But the exploration is there. I will show that, although I cannot settle on an answer, I have given this thought.
Because it comes from somewhere, and a healthy relationship does not include friendship blocking for the sake of control; Nor as a band-aid to a wound that is not fully healed. Keeping a person from certain people will not decrease the likelihood of infidelity. It also doesn’t cease the need to address your concerns. There should be a level of confidence that your spouse is tracking and mitigating, as well as putting an immediate stop to, anything that he/she recognizes as a threat. But everything YOU think is a threat may not be, and it is only fair to make sure we aren’t calling a firecracker a bomb!
peace, blessings, and Power
Where do you stand on this? Do you think it should be a cutoff for ANY reason; or is it fair to at least begin the dialogue with your spouse on why, address underlying issues, and/or come up with certain agreements on what constitutes the cut off point for outsiders?
I’d Love to know; Where does you power lie with this one?
