“For every time, I made you cry.  I wanna make, your whole, body smile…” – Lyrics from Body Smile, by DVSN.

You know when you are listening to that song you wish you never introduced them to, and you want to turn it off because it almost hurts to hear.  You are reminded again of the power of music. The power to make you realize love in you for the very person that has caused that song to bring you pain. The person that said they loved you.

But you keep listening to that song, thinking of how you have been here before. Transported through music to a time of bad memories. Memories that make you forget the good in what you have now; the good in all you introduced to that person, including this song, who they are now negatively attached to. You listen anyway. Knowing you will get back to the moment when that song was just your jam and not another reminder of disappointment.

But, I love you

Most people are confused and conflicted when it comes to love, and they will tell you they love you before they even know if they can back that up. This is about taking back your song. About holding on to your truth despite those entering your life that are still juggling with theirs.  One thing about music is when it hits, you can feel pain, depending on the attachments the lyrics might have to a source of your pain. But truth is, that song hit in a way that their disappointment never can. And you realize, they missed out.
And you; You learned another valuable lesson.

Be careful when people say they love you.

People will say they love you, while denying you the ability to speak to them when something is not to their liking. People will say they love you, and call you out your name. People will say they love you, today, and will block you tomorrow over one incident. People, will say they love you, and because those words were not reciprocated at the same time, will cease building a relationship with you.  They will say they love you, and try to prohibit your friendships or outings. They will say they love you, and expect your actions to be all about coddling their insecurities and tending to the pain inflicted by others.

Silly rabbits, Here’s a carrot: love, is freeing.

However it should be defined between those in relationship with each other, at its core, it should be freeing.  You should be able to expand each other rather than attempt to confine. Love should not be conditioned upon your need to compromise your truth, safety, or identity in any way that is not beneficial to each party involved, primarily you. Love is not hasty, for it has no need to be. It is patient and feels no need to rush, force, or pressure others into decisions regarding its need for confirmation.

When it comes to love,many believe it to be a thing of ideals. They have misconceptions of what that should look like, impose those misconceptions onto you, and then rescind their love when their ego and fantasy has been deflated. These people will instantly treat you rudely, ignore calls, and take action to cause you hurt in some way. This is not love.  If I care about you, even just a little, I can not have an instantaneous shut down button at every sign of discord. Even if this is a result of negative relationships, socialization, and communication patterns, choosing not to address and fix them, yet expecting a non deserving partner to just “work with you”, is not acting from a place of love.

For all the Wrong Reasons

I am not saying stay with people at all cost. I will be the FIRST to say no to that. There are numerous situations that require walking away and protecting your heart, and if you are ever concerned that you might be in one of those situations then reach out, talk to a professional, or leave a comment and we can discuss it.

But this is regarding those specific situations where people use the word love because of how poetic it still is despite its abuse and bad reputation. Despite that fact that people still aren’t really sure what it means and how to display it, they will say it.  They will say it irresponsibly, prematurely, strategically, desperately; sometimes just because it’s what they need to hear themselves.

They say it to you, and you may think you feel the same; hell, you may ACTUALLY feel the same. But you also take that word seriously. You don’t want to use this word prematurely when you could be mistaking these emotions for a number of different things including lust or infatuation.  You don’t want to use this word irresponsibly due to the hero’s syndrome (ask me). You don’t want to use this word strategically, which is automatically disingenuous but only you know this, and not the person hearing you utter this word. And you don’t want to use it desperately or out of fear you will lose this person. Out of fear you can’t find another. Out of fear you are unworthy.

When, What, How

You instead want to use it when the word just seem to escape.  When there has been moments of wanting to, but knowing the power of that word, you held on for certainty. You held on knowing that it meant it was from the depths of you, so when you said it, it was all you needed.  You needed to speak that truth as much as you needed to breath, and it did not matter what happened after, as long as you were able to come up for air. As long as you were able to be free.

Realizing you love someone is not simultaneous with them needing to love you back in that same moment; nor does it coincide with sudden ownership or dictation of their actions and speed to which you need them to move.  Because remember, you claim to have fallen in love with them as they were in the moments leading up to your knowledge of that. You loved them without knowing if they loved you back. You loved them without deciding who they should hang out with, without disrespecting them or endangering their lives and those of their families.  You loved them until the moment you said it and then fear, not love, began to drive you. That became the way in which you began to move.

Love is shown more through action that the word could ever convey.  It is more difficult to confuse action over words. I can say I love you, but I show you through my patience when communicating, through my attempts to reach you in many ways and not just in the language I know. I show through my forgiveness of your shortcomings and flaws, and give the grace I expect and deserve when I am not 100 percent, when I mess up, get out of line, or do something to hurt you.

I will show by keeping promises and respecting you even through disagreement. I will be concerned for your safety, and never deny an opportunity to express your emotions or feelings of hurt with me. To love means, I cannot have disregard for your emotions because mine are being affected.  It means I learn how to tend to them both.

Play. That. Shit!

The song plays again, now nearing its days of becoming a throwback, and you realize that them leaving your life when they did was a blessing. You were right there. Right on that threshold of work functions and cocktail dresses; all access to the house; contemplating the locksmith for new keys to your heart.  And they left before you had to decide to make a new set for their entry. If it were a bullet, you dodged it. You were right at the point of changing “I” to “we”, of forgiving, of forgiving again, of going against your word, of putting your kids in danger, of putting your family in danger, of re-inviting toxicity, of endangering your peace, of missing…your song.

This song is now what is was before, but better. You smile knowing you overcame the urge to archive it, and instead created new meaning in its lyrics. There is defiance in disallowing a negative memory to destroy sources that make you happy. Reclaim that mood; let that be a reminder that if it was really love, this is a song you two would be enjoying together. But instead, it’s all yours. Back to being the jam you always turn up; that always makes your heart smile, your soul smile, your whole body smile.

Play that shit.

“…Sometimes it better when you yell than when you say nothing. But you’re getting tired, of explaining everything that you need, it’s more water, less stress, more sex, more carefree. Don’t wanna hurt no more, not over me, cause, I’m not worth it and, this ain’t working and, running out of words again…” – Body smile, DVSN.

What song have you ceased listening to all because of the lies people tell on love? Leave a comment, and then, play that shit! XOXO – J.Mahogany