This little piggy kissed someone else in my face, 

This little piggy stayed gone,

This little piggy said they slept in their car all night,

In the middle of a summer storm

And this little piggy cried alll the wayyy… back to them.

Why? This thing called forgiveness, I guess. But there was one thing wrong. I thought that meant, forget…

Someone once asked me, and I am paraphrasing, “do you like to remember the bad things?”  My response was, “yes, sometimes”. The reason for that was simple, and the importance of doing so was something that very person reminded me of just days after asking me that question. 

Fool Me Once

You have likely heard of the old Italian adage, “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.”  It means that if you wrong me once, then shame on you for tricking me. I must now be wary of your ability to do it again, and if you do, then that shame is my fault. Because I was not choosing to be mindful of your trickery, you were able to repeat your offense. 

It is due to this proverb that we need to remind ourselves of the “bad things”.  Whether or not these things are intrinsically bad, their negative effects are.

I learned that those were things I need to be protected from.  I needed to remember the negative qualities of a person so that I could learn how to navigate them or avoid them altogether.  It is very easy to romanticize a situation; hype up the positives out of some belief in the nobleness of focusing only on the better parts of a person. But doing so can place us at risk of being unable to accurately assess the fit of the person for us. It also hinders the ability to monitor progress when one claims to be making strides to improve certain behaviors. What are we monitoring if we are denying there are issues to begin with?

Hold Grudges! Who, Me?

I used to say I did not hold grudges but realized one day that it was a lie. I did this by way of letting some people’s actions dictate how I treated others in similar situations. I acknowledged the error in doing this, and in my attempt to correct that error, I told myself that forgiveness meant trying to wash away what people had done to hurt me.  I was like Oprah, but with new slates; Everybody got one.

I would say to forgive meant I needed to put all of that stuff behind me.  In a way yes, if you choose to forgive you must not hold the weight of faults over the relationship forever; If that’s the case then why forgive? But, to forgive does not mean to forget, and I do believe you owe it to yourself to remember the ability a person has to be a detriment to you in some way, and act accordingly.  

Act Accordingly

By act accordingly, I mean, assess the level of hurt inflicted and use sound logic to determine the next step for that individual based on your needs. If you find that this is simply an issue that is not going to change, you now get to decide if the constant discord in this area is causing enough dissatisfaction to end the relationship. 

Maybe you decide that this is something that can be adjusted with practice with that individual, and you can safely monitor progress towards better behaviors.  Perhaps you decide that as much as you detest the behavior, even without a change it is not a reason for you to let go of the said relationship. Then, maybe this level of discord fits with the plan of your life and you could move forward with a focus on coping mechanisms for yourself. 

YOU, then, must decide how to make it more palatable for you. You can still work on supporting the alteration of that person’s behavior if you choose, but understand that at some point you have made the decision to choose a quality that may be one of their “unchanging” traits. In knowing that, you cannot keep screaming dissatisfaction or hurt for a choice you are making. You ALWAYS have the choice to leave. 

There is protection in learning what is harmful to your mind, body, and soul.  All of them matter.

But, What if…

What if they really are trying?  What if this is the time they actually get it right?
To that I say, you likely have a sense of when a person is not honoring their words and cannot commit to your well-being as they promise.  In most situations, you know when a person is not capable of being respectful to you no matter how much they make you smile. If you truly believe the good outweighs the effects of the pain they put you through, or that this time will be the last time, then, of course, stay. You have chosen your type of drama; the 20 percent we ALL have to decide to live with. Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s wrong (unless of course we are speaking of ANY abuse and if so, please refer to the hotline below).  

If you like yelling and screaming at people week after week and this is the ‘good life’ for you, live it. But for those of you that are ready to be honest about what you want and deserve,  then hear this – remember the bad in even those who mean the world to you. Don’t focus only on the “what if’s” in a person when they keep showing you “what is”. Maya Angelou already said it, “when a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Remember how, although they took great care of you, they almost caused you to lose all you’ve worked so hard for.  Remember, how although they made you grin from ear to ear, they also cheated several times. Remember, that although you all began a family together, they were physically abusive every time they were upset. Remember that although their apology seemed sincere, your lesson now is when to respect yourself enough to know that you are worth more than being their experiment on seeing if the lesson has been learned this time. You already know what they had the chance to show and could not produce. 

Fooled Me Twice

In the beginning, I said I was having this discussion right before I was fooled twice.  That little piggy disappeared for the second time. This was definitely a “shame on me moment” because at that moment I was trying to figure out what I had done wrong, rather than paying attention to the character traits of this person when they were first revealed. This was something THEY did, even after the effects of this behavior was disclosed to them. 

In the act of me continuing to engage, I relayed the message that on some level, I have decided that that behavior was OK. If I continued to stick around because “I want to see the good in them”, I can’t keep iterating how this person is fooling me. I now know who they are. I am choosing to look the other way at the expense of my own feelings, needs, desires. 

It’s not wise to expect people to learn without communication and trial, but it is up to you to decide how many lessons you provide before you know if they are actually trying, or able, to comprehend.  In my opinion, this number is dependent on a few things including the person, the type of relationship, and what we might know about the person at a given time (i.e., are they in rehab or going through some traumatic experience). 

But the primary place your decisions lies is in where you value yourself. When you know this, you know that even a person’s trauma is not grounds to inflict and cause trauma within you. If they feel they cannot heal properly without finding an outlet that doesn’t include harming you, then they aren’t ready for you. 

So pay attention. Remember. And act accordingly.

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Support, resources, and advice for your safety. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

*Please always keep in mind the term relationship is not assigned only to those romantic in nature; these could be familial or friendships as well.